You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know something is not exactly how you wanted or imagined it would be like? That sinking, twisted, odd, nervous feeling; it confuses you because you do not know if you are feeling that way because what is unfolding before you is wrong (and something you don't want) or if it is something wonderful that you should embrace (whether you know you want it or not). A part of you wants to run, while another wants to stay and see what is about to unfold. It is this tension that you create within yourself, all balled up into one little moment.
I have been feeling that tension, that odd feeling, for over a week. I don't know what to do with it (if there is anything I am supposed to do with it). I can't seem to shake it. It lingers in the pit of my stomach, pulling at my heart. The most frustrating part of it all is not that I can't sleep more than a couple restless hours a night. The most frustrating part is not that I cannot share these thoughts or feelings with anyone in the middle of the night because even the night owls in my life are asleep. It is not so much frustrating that I can't make the feeling change. What is frustrating to me is the fact that I cannot quite put the feeling into words. This awkward, gut wrenching tension that does not exist out of guilt, pity, self loathing, sadness, frustration, anger, or pain. Because let's be honest - life is pretty good right now. I have amazing friends, great roommates, a new job that involves coffee (woo hoo!), brand new books to read, a brand new quarter of school, a new year to fill with memories and adventures of all sorts, and a desire to find the heart of God unlike any desire I have ever felt before. So where is this tension coming from?
That feeling - that awkward, terrible feeling that simply won't leave me alone. What drives it? Why can't I kick it out of my psyche? If anyone has any words of advice, I am more than willing to take them. Maybe it will drive the feeling way for at least one night.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
hey you. sounds like you're being pulled into new places and trying to make sense of it all. i've totally been in your shoes before--looking, wondering, asking, shifting... i have a vivid memory of feeling this way once. i was probably 24. after several long and lonely days/weeks/months? (hey that was 12 years ago), it lead to a profound encounter with Christ that left me different. better. capable of being loved more. hope that happens to you. keep looking for Him-- cj
Post a Comment