Seasons of Life

Throughout my life I have been told by mentors, teachers, spiritual leaders, family members, and other adults that life is full of seasons. It isn't uncommon for me to hear "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven," (Ecclesiastes 3). The scripture goes on to describe pretty much every possible thing we might experience in our lives; birth, death, war, dancing, love, building up and tearing down, singing, crying, the list goes on and on. Every event, every emotion, every relationship we share, they all happen for a reason and they'll all happen in God's time.

This is an awesome, beautiful, amazing season. More and more my eyes are being opened to what is actually going on in my life....

I am not just a part-time youth director at a church; I am using the gifts God has given me to serve and impact (I hope!) the lives of some unique, wonderfully made kids.

I am not just a bride-to-be; I am learning what it means to become someone's wife.

I am not just a lover waiting to be married; I am learning what it means to be loved deeply by my favorite friend.

I am not just a student of the world; I am gaining knowledge and experience I could never gain from a classroom.

I am not just a daughter who has grown independent; I am a young woman who was raised well and is ready to prove to show the world what and who I have become.

More and more these moments, these experiences, these lessons are being made evident to me and I realize I can't take this time for granted. Every day I tell someone, "I'm just so excited for these days to pass and be married and experience what awesome life events are coming!" And that is true! But tonight as I have laid awake in bed unable to sleep I can't help but realize that there is a season for everything and that this season of life is important. Not that it is bad to anticipate what will be. But it is just as important to appreciate and glean from the time that is. Experiencing this season, sharing this time, soaking up the lessons and blessings I have now will make the seasons to come even sweeter. Ahhh. 81 more days until seasons change....

What Was He Thinking?

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." -Genesis 1:1-2

I cannot count the number of times I have read this scripture. I remember that it took God 6 days to imagine the universe. I remember learning about how God made the earth out of nothing; I remember imagining the moon and the stars and the sun shimmer from the dark corners of the nothingness the earth suddenly appeared from. I remember singing songs about it during vacation Bible school. I remember every camp song ever sung about God creating the seas and the trees and the hippopotamuses. I remember the first time I ever taught a Bible Encounter on stewardship and walked through all of Genesis 1 with my 5th grade campers acting out each day through interpretive dance.

As much as I remember there is also a lot that I forget. I forget which day God made what. I forget which came first - the sky or the water. I forget whether God chose to make the stars and the moon before blasting the sun into view. I forget how cool it is to think about how God capped off creation by making us.

Keeping in mind all that I remember and forget about Genesis 1, I had a new thought today. What was God thinking? Did he know that he was going to make the most beautiful awe-inspiring things ever? Did he realize the impact color would have? Did he spend hours calculating formulas and analyzing bits and pieces of ground to make each and every piece of each and every creature just perfect? Did he know that the creation he loved and toiled over would turn away from him with ungrateful hearts and selfish desires? As the Trinity looked at the universe in it's first days of existence did they know what they were getting into?

I think God knew. I think Jesus knew that eventually he would experience the fall of creation first hand and redeem what would be lost. I think the Spirit knew he would have his work cut out for him when it came to making God known. And even though they knew, they still followed through with it. They still made the flowers, the animals, the mountains, the stars, the rivers and oceans, the clouds, and the wind, and us. Cool.

The Darkness Doesn't Understand

John 1:5 says: “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”

In the past 48 hours my heart and mind have been bombarded with the hope and life that comes from the life of Jesus. I have been overwhelmed by the realization (once again!) that I am loved by a God I cannot understand, a God I cannot fully know no matter how hard I try to comprehend his ways, and a God who seeks me out when I turn away. God reaches for me when I believe that I am unreachable.

Who doesn't do that? We all do that.

Last night I was in a texting conversation (which was odd because I'm not a fan of actual conversations via text) with someone who is trying to decide what to do with a blessing God has placed in their life. They are struggling with accepting that God would give them an opportunity to live the life he has given them. Needless to say I was getting frustrated. I was getting frustrated with not only the person on the other side of the text messages, but also with myself. Why can't we just accept it? Why can't we just give in to the fact that God will be there for us, will provide for us, and will shine brightly in our lives?

We are so overtaken by our shame and guilt that we don't allow ourselves to accept the redemption and love of the Gospel for ourselves. We hold onto the burdens of our sin, sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion and we exhaust all our energy on devaluing ourselves and making ourselves unworthy of God's love. We condemn ourselves. And without realizing it we make ourselves "the least of these" (Matt. 25:40). We make ourselves the lowly, the untouchables, the forgotten, and the lonely.

Then, a light shines - and the darkness doesn't understand. The darkness doesn't understand why it can't hold on. The darkness doesn't understand why it is weak in the presence of the victory of the cross. Eventually the darkness has to give up. And when it does we stand in the light with tears of joy on our cheeks, laughter in our hearts, hands that shake with gratitude, and eyes that can see that we are loved, we are forgiven, we are redeemed, we are somehow worthy, and we are able to live.

Good Things

Good things happen. I think we are to quick to forget that. For some reason it just seems easier to let the darkness overwhelm and cover every glimmer of hope we may have. But those glimmers are brighter than we give them credit for. The tiniest shimmer from a corner of the room catches our eyes and we cannot help but be drawn to the beauty. We cannot help but notice. And that is good! It is good to notice the beauty. It is good to notice the beauty, to pick it up, to look it over, and to carry it out of the darkness with you.

Just a thought.

Change and Thanksgiving

• change; changed; chang·ing
• verb

1 to give a different position, course, or direction to 2 to replace with another; to make a shift from one to another; to undergo a modification; to become different; to pass from one phase to another; to undergo transformation, transition, or substitution

Fall is my favorite time of year. The wind stars blowing through the parks and streets of Bellingham, the sun breaks through the clouds (that have yet to come but they're on their way!) every now and then, causing the changing leaves of red, orange, brown, and gold to glow like fire. In the fall there is change in the air - and my life is full of change right now.

Relationships are changing. While some friends grow closer and claim more of my life and heart other friends begin to fade into my past. As some relationships fade a part of me is sad to see them go. But more than anything I am grateful for the role those people have played in my life and the role they will continue to play even when they are gone. Because the reality is that even if someone is gone they are still a part of who we are; for a moment in time our lives were connected and that connection will always linger, it will always "be" somehow. And as I say goodbye to pieces of my past I say hello to pieces of my future. Friends I did not expect to stick around still call or write, still show up at my front door or take the time to sit on the street and drink coffee with me. Some friendships caught me by surprise and have become a driving force in how I live day to day. These relationships are precious and stronger than I ever anticipated them being. These are the people who will celebrate, mourn, dance, laugh, and live with me to the end (you know who you are).

Professionally my life is changing. For years I have been following what I thought was the calling to outdoor ministry at camp - SURPRISE! Ministry is my calling for sure, and outdoor ministry will always play a role in what I do with my life, but for now it is not where all my time, energy, passion, and talents are being called. Instead I am working in a church - Birchwood Presbyterian Church in Bellingham! This is not where I thought I would be, or where I wanted to be. But God is good and he is faithful and he is moving in my heart as I meet new people, get to know some really unique and exciting kids, and learn the challenges that come with working in the church and the "Church". As my time as an intern at the INN came to an end last year I thought I knew exactly where God was calling me, exactly where I was supposed to be and what I would be doing and for the most part I was right. But he's got something better in mind. Something that is challenging me and strengthening me in ways I don't think I even understand. And I love it!

The way I live day to day has changed. After a couple years of living in an apartment I now get to live in a beautiful house with two friends I never thought I'd have. Christine has become like a sister to me over the course of the last year, and Susie brings spunk and enthusiasm for life to our home. The three of us have busy lives that pull us different directions, but when the moment comes for us to sit and talk it is wonderful. Christine and Susie are two women who strengthen my life and I am SO thankful for them! Along with fun roommates comes the desire to simplify my life and strengthen it in ways it has been weak. I'm trying to get excited about running, I'm working on being disciplined in faith and life responsibilities. And I'm getting stronger, I'm getting better, but there is still a lot of growing to do and I am grateful for those who hold me accountable in love.

All this to say that life is good and it is changing and it is becoming more beautiful than I ever thought it could be. I have learned to claim my past, the good and the bad, and to carry those experiences with me. I have also learned to look forward and take in where I am now. God is good - all the time!

Thanks for reading this long post. You're pretty great. Really! Peace.

Update & Being Known

A new blog from me has been a long time coming!  There have been many moments when I say to myself, "I need to write this down, I don't want to forget to share this!"  Then something happens and I go into my furbobbled state and loose every intention of writing and sharing my feelings, thoughts, experiences, and insights.  Let me give you a bit of a break down...

I have been spending the summer working at Camp Lutherwood on Lake Samish and the last couple of months have been really great.  There is an amazing and very unique group of people working here and sharing life together while serving kids in the name of Jesus.  It has been fun watching them wrestle, grow, laugh, play, worship, and discover together and as individuals.  One of the things that has made the chance to be in this community so unique has been the role I have had the opportunity to play as the Community Life Director.  The staff is my job, my mission, my purpose - it has been my responsibility to care for them emotionally and spiritually as they serve side by side throughout the summer.  In many ways I have really been enjoying my job, while in many ways I have also struggled with it (as there are many days and nights I just want to sit in the grass with my favorite people and exist with them).  

I have come to the conclusion that I do not have a place on this staff as much as I have a presence.  I do not have a cluster of people I hang out with all the time, or a couple of super close friends to share inside jokes with.  I have bits and pieces of everyone's life on my plate and have been blessed and humbled by the ways everyone has been willing to share with me.  I, on the other hand, have kept myself quite guarded.  Aside from a few exciting details about my life I haven't let the staff get to know me all that well - or so I thought.

Throughout this week we have been doing some encouragement activities to begin affirming people before they leave camp and head out into the world to study, serve, and work.  This morning the staff concluded their affirmations with me; and I was a bit surprised by some of the things they said.  They filled me with encouragement and compliments and really lifted me up.  As I was letting their words sink in I realized that it is not what they know about me, but how they know me.  We can know every statistic about ever person in the whole world and not know who they are.  But if we know someone through place, through work, through faith, through shared experiences - these are the moments when we truly begin to know someone.

One more week left and then life continues on with great, exciting things.  I'm excited to see what's next in life!  Until next time, peace.

Life Update

OK, so it's been a while.  Here's a bit of a life update:

My time at the INN has come to an end.  It was an amazing year of getting to know a group of 9 fantastic people, growing leaps and bounds in my faith, and really discovering who I am and what I want/being called to do with my life.  I wouldn't trade a moment for anything in the world.  The past couple weeks have been a little rough around the edges; I miss my fellow INNterns and the Senior Staff, I miss walks with students, I miss wandering around campus and stopping to talk to students in Red Square.  I miss listening to the music team do sound check and sharing a meal with 20 people on a Tuesday night.  I miss chatting with Host Team members, mingling late into the night after worship, running into Sarah, Lisa, and Lindsay at Avellino on Wednesday mornings, and quality time with the boys on Fridays.  I miss diving for the phone when it rings to see if I can beat Stead to it, I miss taking mail up to campus, popping over to FPC to turn in check requests or ask a random question about moving furniture around in the church.  I miss climbing up into the attic, calling student leaders to see if we can convince them to do something funny, editing video and creating funny pictures in photo shop.  I miss the chatter and the growing volume of music in the Ship when three different people are playing music.  I miss cookies from students magically appearing on the coffee table.  I miss my AGroup ladies.  I miss INNtern Training with Jim and Lindsay.  I just miss it.  

Life out at Lutherwood is good - of course!  It's been filled with getting lifeguard re-certified, learning how to be an official BLOB launcher, and facilitating high ropes.  Summer hasn't really started out there just yet.  Campers will be filling the cabins in a week though, and that will be exciting!  

I am excited for the summer and all that is coming.  I'm excited about getting to know the staff at Lutherwood, to search for (and get!) a job that will help me to keep growing and serving, for adventures with friends, and for sunny days on the lake.  

That's all for now I guess.  Later!