Thoughts From the Circles in My Head

Seasons of Life

2010-03-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

Throughout my life I have been told by mentors, teachers, spiritual leaders, family members, and other adults that life is full of seasons. It isn't uncommon for me to hear "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven," (Ecclesiastes 3). The scripture goes on to describe pretty much every possible thing we might experience in our lives; birth, death, war, dancing, love, building up and tearing down, singing, crying, the list goes on and on. Every event, every emotion, every relationship we share, they all happen for a reason and they'll all happen in God's time.

This is an awesome, beautiful, amazing season. More and more my eyes are being opened to what is actually going on in my life....

I am not just a part-time youth director at a church; I am using the gifts God has given me to serve and impact (I hope!) the lives of some unique, wonderfully made kids.

I am not just a bride-to-be; I am learning what it means to become someone's wife.

I am not just a lover waiting to be married; I am learning what it means to be loved deeply by my favorite friend.

I am not just a student of the world; I am gaining knowledge and experience I could never gain from a classroom.

I am not just a daughter who has grown independent; I am a young woman who was raised well and is ready to prove to show the world what and who I have become.

More and more these moments, these experiences, these lessons are being made evident to me and I realize I can't take this time for granted. Every day I tell someone, "I'm just so excited for these days to pass and be married and experience what awesome life events are coming!" And that is true! But tonight as I have laid awake in bed unable to sleep I can't help but realize that there is a season for everything and that this season of life is important. Not that it is bad to anticipate what will be. But it is just as important to appreciate and glean from the time that is. Experiencing this season, sharing this time, soaking up the lessons and blessings I have now will make the seasons to come even sweeter. Ahhh. 81 more days until seasons change....

What Was He Thinking?

2010-01-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." -Genesis 1:1-2

I cannot count the number of times I have read this scripture. I remember that it took God 6 days to imagine the universe. I remember learning about how God made the earth out of nothing; I remember imagining the moon and the stars and the sun shimmer from the dark corners of the nothingness the earth suddenly appeared from. I remember singing songs about it during vacation Bible school. I remember every camp song ever sung about God creating the seas and the trees and the hippopotamuses. I remember the first time I ever taught a Bible Encounter on stewardship and walked through all of Genesis 1 with my 5th grade campers acting out each day through interpretive dance.

As much as I remember there is also a lot that I forget. I forget which day God made what. I forget which came first - the sky or the water. I forget whether God chose to make the stars and the moon before blasting the sun into view. I forget how cool it is to think about how God capped off creation by making us.

Keeping in mind all that I remember and forget about Genesis 1, I had a new thought today. What was God thinking? Did he know that he was going to make the most beautiful awe-inspiring things ever? Did he realize the impact color would have? Did he spend hours calculating formulas and analyzing bits and pieces of ground to make each and every piece of each and every creature just perfect? Did he know that the creation he loved and toiled over would turn away from him with ungrateful hearts and selfish desires? As the Trinity looked at the universe in it's first days of existence did they know what they were getting into?

I think God knew. I think Jesus knew that eventually he would experience the fall of creation first hand and redeem what would be lost. I think the Spirit knew he would have his work cut out for him when it came to making God known. And even though they knew, they still followed through with it. They still made the flowers, the animals, the mountains, the stars, the rivers and oceans, the clouds, and the wind, and us. Cool.

The Darkness Doesn't Understand

2010-01-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

John 1:5 says: “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”

In the past 48 hours my heart and mind have been bombarded with the hope and life that comes from the life of Jesus. I have been overwhelmed by the realization (once again!) that I am loved by a God I cannot understand, a God I cannot fully know no matter how hard I try to comprehend his ways, and a God who seeks me out when I turn away. God reaches for me when I believe that I am unreachable.

Who doesn't do that? We all do that.

Last night I was in a texting conversation (which was odd because I'm not a fan of actual conversations via text) with someone who is trying to decide what to do with a blessing God has placed in their life. They are struggling with accepting that God would give them an opportunity to live the life he has given them. Needless to say I was getting frustrated. I was getting frustrated with not only the person on the other side of the text messages, but also with myself. Why can't we just accept it? Why can't we just give in to the fact that God will be there for us, will provide for us, and will shine brightly in our lives?

We are so overtaken by our shame and guilt that we don't allow ourselves to accept the redemption and love of the Gospel for ourselves. We hold onto the burdens of our sin, sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion and we exhaust all our energy on devaluing ourselves and making ourselves unworthy of God's love. We condemn ourselves. And without realizing it we make ourselves "the least of these" (Matt. 25:40). We make ourselves the lowly, the untouchables, the forgotten, and the lonely.

Then, a light shines - and the darkness doesn't understand. The darkness doesn't understand why it can't hold on. The darkness doesn't understand why it is weak in the presence of the victory of the cross. Eventually the darkness has to give up. And when it does we stand in the light with tears of joy on our cheeks, laughter in our hearts, hands that shake with gratitude, and eyes that can see that we are loved, we are forgiven, we are redeemed, we are somehow worthy, and we are able to live.

Good Things

2009-10-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

Good things happen. I think we are to quick to forget that. For some reason it just seems easier to let the darkness overwhelm and cover every glimmer of hope we may have. But those glimmers are brighter than we give them credit for. The tiniest shimmer from a corner of the room catches our eyes and we cannot help but be drawn to the beauty. We cannot help but notice. And that is good! It is good to notice the beauty. It is good to notice the beauty, to pick it up, to look it over, and to carry it out of the darkness with you.

Just a thought.

Change and Thanksgiving

2009-09-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

change; changed; chang·ing
verb

1 to give a different position, course, or direction to 2 to replace with another; to make a shift from one to another; to undergo a modification; to become different; to pass from one phase to another; to undergo transformation, transition, or substitution

Fall is my favorite time of year. The wind stars blowing through the parks and streets of Bellingham, the sun breaks through the clouds (that have yet to come but they're on their way!) every now and then, causing the changing leaves of red, orange, brown, and gold to glow like fire. In the fall there is change in the air - and my life is full of change right now.

Relationships are changing. While some friends grow closer and claim more of my life and heart other friends begin to fade into my past. As some relationships fade a part of me is sad to see them go. But more than anything I am grateful for the role those people have played in my life and the role they will continue to play even when they are gone. Because the reality is that even if someone is gone they are still a part of who we are; for a moment in time our lives were connected and that connection will always linger, it will always "be" somehow. And as I say goodbye to pieces of my past I say hello to pieces of my future. Friends I did not expect to stick around still call or write, still show up at my front door or take the time to sit on the street and drink coffee with me. Some friendships caught me by surprise and have become a driving force in how I live day to day. These relationships are precious and stronger than I ever anticipated them being. These are the people who will celebrate, mourn, dance, laugh, and live with me to the end (you know who you are).

Professionally my life is changing. For years I have been following what I thought was the calling to outdoor ministry at camp - SURPRISE! Ministry is my calling for sure, and outdoor ministry will always play a role in what I do with my life, but for now it is not where all my time, energy, passion, and talents are being called. Instead I am working in a church - Birchwood Presbyterian Church in Bellingham! This is not where I thought I would be, or where I wanted to be. But God is good and he is faithful and he is moving in my heart as I meet new people, get to know some really unique and exciting kids, and learn the challenges that come with working in the church and the "Church". As my time as an intern at the INN came to an end last year I thought I knew exactly where God was calling me, exactly where I was supposed to be and what I would be doing and for the most part I was right. But he's got something better in mind. Something that is challenging me and strengthening me in ways I don't think I even understand. And I love it!

The way I live day to day has changed. After a couple years of living in an apartment I now get to live in a beautiful house with two friends I never thought I'd have. Christine has become like a sister to me over the course of the last year, and Susie brings spunk and enthusiasm for life to our home. The three of us have busy lives that pull us different directions, but when the moment comes for us to sit and talk it is wonderful. Christine and Susie are two women who strengthen my life and I am SO thankful for them! Along with fun roommates comes the desire to simplify my life and strengthen it in ways it has been weak. I'm trying to get excited about running, I'm working on being disciplined in faith and life responsibilities. And I'm getting stronger, I'm getting better, but there is still a lot of growing to do and I am grateful for those who hold me accountable in love.

All this to say that life is good and it is changing and it is becoming more beautiful than I ever thought it could be. I have learned to claim my past, the good and the bad, and to carry those experiences with me. I have also learned to look forward and take in where I am now. God is good - all the time!

Thanks for reading this long post. You're pretty great. Really! Peace.

Update & Being Known

2009-08-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

A new blog from me has been a long time coming! There have been many moments when I say to myself, "I need to write this down, I don't want to forget to share this!" Then something happens and I go into my furbobbled state and loose every intention of writing and sharing my feelings, thoughts, experiences, and insights. Let me give you a bit of a break down...

I have been spending the summer working at Camp Lutherwood on Lake Samish and the last couple of months have been really great. There is an amazing and very unique group of people working here and sharing life together while serving kids in the name of Jesus. It has been fun watching them wrestle, grow, laugh, play, worship, and discover together and as individuals. One of the things that has made the chance to be in this community so unique has been the role I have had the opportunity to play as the Community Life Director. The staff is my job, my mission, my purpose - it has been my responsibility to care for them emotionally and spiritually as they serve side by side throughout the summer. In many ways I have really been enjoying my job, while in many ways I have also struggled with it (as there are many days and nights I just want to sit in the grass with my favorite people and exist with them).

I have come to the conclusion that I do not have a place on this staff as much as I have a presence. I do not have a cluster of people I hang out with all the time, or a couple of super close friends to share inside jokes with. I have bits and pieces of everyone's life on my plate and have been blessed and humbled by the ways everyone has been willing to share with me. I, on the other hand, have kept myself quite guarded. Aside from a few exciting details about my life I haven't let the staff get to know me all that well - or so I thought.

Throughout this week we have been doing some encouragement activities to begin affirming people before they leave camp and head out into the world to study, serve, and work. This morning the staff concluded their affirmations with me; and I was a bit surprised by some of the things they said. They filled me with encouragement and compliments and really lifted me up. As I was letting their words sink in I realized that it is not what they know about me, but how they know me. We can know every statistic about ever person in the whole world and not know who they are. But if we know someone through place, through work, through faith, through shared experiences - these are the moments when we truly begin to know someone.

One more week left and then life continues on with great, exciting things. I'm excited to see what's next in life! Until next time, peace.

Life Update

2009-06-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

OK, so it's been a while. Here's a bit of a life update:

My time at the INN has come to an end. It was an amazing year of getting to know a group of 9 fantastic people, growing leaps and bounds in my faith, and really discovering who I am and what I want/being called to do with my life. I wouldn't trade a moment for anything in the world. The past couple weeks have been a little rough around the edges; I miss my fellow INNterns and the Senior Staff, I miss walks with students, I miss wandering around campus and stopping to talk to students in Red Square. I miss listening to the music team do sound check and sharing a meal with 20 people on a Tuesday night. I miss chatting with Host Team members, mingling late into the night after worship, running into Sarah, Lisa, and Lindsay at Avellino on Wednesday mornings, and quality time with the boys on Fridays. I miss diving for the phone when it rings to see if I can beat Stead to it, I miss taking mail up to campus, popping over to FPC to turn in check requests or ask a random question about moving furniture around in the church. I miss climbing up into the attic, calling student leaders to see if we can convince them to do something funny, editing video and creating funny pictures in photo shop. I miss the chatter and the growing volume of music in the Ship when three different people are playing music. I miss cookies from students magically appearing on the coffee table. I miss my AGroup ladies. I miss INNtern Training with Jim and Lindsay. I just miss it.

Life out at Lutherwood is good - of course! It's been filled with getting lifeguard re-certified, learning how to be an official BLOB launcher, and facilitating high ropes. Summer hasn't really started out there just yet. Campers will be filling the cabins in a week though, and that will be exciting!

I am excited for the summer and all that is coming. I'm excited about getting to know the staff at Lutherwood, to search for (and get!) a job that will help me to keep growing and serving, for adventures with friends, and for sunny days on the lake.

That's all for now I guess. Later!

Guess What I Remembered

2009-03-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of something today - I am loved. I have friends and family who care. Right when one moment makes me think my whole world is falling apart, when I just know my heart is going to be crushed and trampled into a million little pieces with nothing left to show that I ever had a heart to share in the first place, they step in and save it. Someone comes over, picks it up off the ground, brushes it off, and hands it back to me. My heart is never the same after it falls to the ground; a bruise or a crack is left behind as a reminder of the incident. But nevertheless, there is healing and hope, encouragement and affirmation, even when I don't give it to myself.

To all my precious, wonderful friends: thank you. I thank God for you every day, and I love you more than you could know.

Update

2009-02-06T09:46:00.001-08:00

Life has been CRAZY full! Day to day goodness at the INN keeps me checking my planner and poppin' from one cup of coffee to the next. Meeting people, nurturing friendships with those I love, contemplating what's next, and just living out the typical elements of life create both a challenge and a passion. I wouldn't trade this time of life for the world.

I have been anxious about a lot of things lately. I never really want to go home and sit on my couch but I desire a place to sit and rest. I feel a sense of needing to have some time alone and focus on God and my relationship with him, but I am afraid to walk alone. New relationships call for new action, new realizations call for me to step up, fresh perspective calls for me to step back. I have a friend who talks about the different ways we live in tension a lot - more than ever I have begun to experience what he talks about.

New challenges have begun as well. On Monday morning Sarah, Lisa, and I are going to tackle a 28 day detox. It's going to be AWESOME. I'm really excited about doing something good for my body. And along with the detox I'm excited to do something for my soul and faith as well. The INNterns have decided to take on the spiritual discipline of prayer. We are going to gather together 15 minutes early every morning to pray for the Spirit to move through us, through the INN, through student leaders, and through our beautiful Bellingham. I'm excited to see what God does with these intentional acts.

Well, off to a long weekend. Perhaps the sun will shine and my longboard will leave the office and roll me down the sidewalks by the marina. Until next time, blessings.

Ferry Ride

2009-01-11T10:26:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a bleak and dreary day in Bellingham. The rain was falling (still) and there seemed to be no hope in sun appearing anytime soon. So BJ and I jumped in the car and headed south to Seattle with the conclusion that we would either a) find a bit of sun (I know this sounds silly but come on, work with me here) or b) have fun looking for some.

When we got to Seattle we went in search of a parking spot downtown which can either be really easy or really hard depending on how much you're willing to spend on a parking lot. After finding a $7 lot we ditched the car and started getting our city-legs walking up and down hills. A quick trip through Pike's Place Market led us to the wharf where we grabbed a quick coffee and headed to the ferry terminal. It was the whole reason I really wanted to go to Seattle - I wanted to ride the ferry.

There is something about the ferry for a girl like me. It sounds a little ridiculous, especially to those who use the ferry every day to commute from work to home and to those who grew up using it to get from a tiny island to the big city; but for me the ferry is a little bit of a treat. Being on the water in any way makes me happy - sail boat, speed boat, canoe, kayak, raft, ferry, whatever. I love looking over the edge and watching the water as it runs alongside the boat. I love the wind that hits your face and the feeling of being on a dock, rocking back and forth - even if you are on a boat as large and stable as a ferry you feel different when you step back onto dry land. Everything about it makes me smile.

I stepped up to the ticket counter and purchased two tickets. We sat on a bench with our coffee and waited for our turn to jump aboard. Then the ship came in, we scanned our cards, grabbed a seat, and headed out. Our ferry went to Bainbridge Island where normally we probably would have jumped off the boat and wandered but the rain was ridiculous. So we sat and played cards - I let BJ win.

On the way back to Seattle we stood at the front of the ferry as long as we could, the wind pushing us away from the railing. It was so strong! It felt good to be cold, to be pushed by an invisible force. Once again, I'm sure it sounds silly to everyone who would consider the ferry some sort of a staple or essential element to their life, but I felt a little bit alive. The wind and the water was good for my soul. So good.

Afternoon Ramblings - Remembering Tuesday

2009-01-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first INN of Winter Quarter. It was just a typical Tuesday night, full of skits and a video, music and a message, prayer and reflection on scripture. You know, just a normal Tuesday night at the INN.

Something was special about Tuesday night. Maybe it was because it'd been over three weeks since the INN community had gathered together. Maybe it was because the music team incorporated one of my favorite hymns into the worship set. Maybe it was because we had breakfast for dinner (i.e. brinner). Maybe it was because I got to sit with Lisa in the music office before her talk and get a little glimpse into what everyone would be listening to. Maybe it was all the coffee and lunch dates that once again have begun to fill my planner. Maybe it was looking through a window and seeing two of my closest friends singing with their eyes closed and their hands raised.

On Tuesday night I wandered about the church, never really settling down anywhere until the end of the night drew near. I sat in the hallway behind the alter underneath the light switches. My job for the night was about to become technical as the lights of the room needed to be raised and lowered to ensure everyone knew there would be a shift in the evening. And as I sat on the floor and looked over my minute-by-minute for the evening I began to hear harmonies and feel music within my chest...

"... then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee, how great Thou art, how great Thou art...."

The music team was gone. I could not hear one instrument or vocalist from the music pit - the only sound that filtered through the cracks around the door to my little hallway was the group of voices gathered together. I closed my eyes and let it sink in. It was wonderful.

I stopped by BJ's on the way home. I sat on the floor of his living room with the top of my my head wet and my feet soaked by the rain. I looked up at him and tried to put into words how it felt to have this part of my life called the INN back in motion. Once again I have a purpose and structure to my day to day life. Once again I have time set aside to learn and reflect, to develop and grow, to serve and nurture - and I love it.

Now I am writing from a table in my favorite cozy coffee shop as I wait for my Thursday afternoon coffee date. I'm writing myself reminders in my notebook and thinking about life. So much has happened - so much is happening. A week ago I would tell you I was feeling overwhelmed by it all. But now, in this moment, I feel like I can process. I know this sounds silly because a week ago I had lots of free time and very little responsibility, a perfect opportunity to go through the emotions and dilemmas of life one step at a time. But right now life is just as it should be - busy and overflowing with blessings seen and unseen and amongst it all I feel like I can work through my life.

SNOW!!!!!

2008-12-14T00:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out for dinner and music with a friend. We ran into a few friends along the way as we enjoyed great Italian food and pieces of "The Messiah" sung by the Lynden Community Choir. As we turned from our seats to leave the church where the choir was singing I looked at the floor by the door and pointed, "LOOK!" There were little white flurries all around the base of the door. Then, I pulled on the handle and low and behold there was....

SNOW!!!!!!

Gorgeous, wonderful, cold, crisp, white snow covered the ground and the trees and the steps and the cars and the sidewalk; it was everywhere! I was so excited I started to dance down the street, my friend laughing at me the whole time.

There is something magical about snow. A lot of people see it as just one more thing to make our lives a little bit harder with all the shoveling and putting snow tires and chains on our cars and such. But for me it is something special - something different and extraordinary. When the snow falls I can hear laughter and silence at the same time. It's a gloriously beautiful thing.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

Another year is coming to an end. The house smells like turkey and stuffing, potatoes and pie. Sparkling cider has been chilling in the block house in the yard and will soon find itself filling little clear plastic cups that we will carry around with us for the rest of the night. The series of football games scheduled for the day play themselves out silently on the muted television in the living room. The phone in my pocket beeps and rings with text messages and loving phone calls from friends with wishes of thanksgiving.

Lately I've been wondering why God has chosen to give me the life that He has. Sure there are some bumps and scrapes here and there (those of you closest to me hear me work through them, probably a little more than you'd really like or deserve to), but for the most part my life is radically blessed. I have a family that may seem broken but is full of love and does it's best to fit together. I have friends who show me what is important in life. I have a job that gives me satisfaction and mentors who encourage me to be creative, to search, and to grow. I have an education and the constant opportunity to learn. I have a car that runs, a bike, a long-board, and two legs that get me from place to place at whatever pace I desire. I have a bank account that, though I often joke about it being empty, holds enough money to buy food, pay my phone bill and rent, and provides me with an overabundance of coffee shop moments.

I am blessed with more than I could ask for or really know. Lately I have noticed that my selfishness and greed has been overshadowing my gratitude. I have found myself questioning God's provision and doubting the love and friendship of those around me. And now today is Thanksgiving. It is a day set aside to reflect on gratitude and reflect on the blessings that have been placed on our lives. I've been doing that a lot today - and through that time in my head and heart I have been humbled.

May the holidays come in with grace, love, acceptance, and gratitude. Happy Thanksgiving!

INN[door]ferno

2008-11-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

It was raining on Friday. It actually has been raining in Bellingham for the past week. Winter is officially on it's way as the morning gleams it's blue hue at 7:30am and the darkness of night falls at 4:30 in the afternoon. And with these changes in daylight and the drop in temperature comes the rain.

Despite the water falling from the sky and manifesting itself into deep puddles (which are amazing to jump in) and midterms consuming the minds of the students of the INN, head lights bobbed down the road as cars full of friends, small group buddies, roommates, and strangers who had just met a few moments ago in the church parking lot came to Lutherwood. On Friday we had a special Sabbath called "INNferno". The original plan was to have worship outside and build a huge bon fire - and then the rain came. But, nevertheless, we went out to camp and gathered in the dining hall. We built a warm fire in the fireplace and filled the room with candles. I sat on the floor in the front, clicking away at power point and just taking it in. Pat and Seth played the music and sang amazing melodies and harmonies as everyone joined them. Some sat, some stood. Some lifted their arms, others clamped their hands together and rested their heads in their laps.

A part of me was disappointed that we were stuck inside when we had been talking for two weeks about having a huge bon fire. I was sad that I had forgotten to find sticks to roast marshmallows, that people drove out of town to sit in a room and experience the same worship they could have experienced in town - or so I thought. But the thing is, the experience of INN[door]ferno was unique and important. We as a community left the things that hinder us as we drove out to Lake Sammish. There was a benefit to being separated by a few miles. We went way, we were intentional, we rested, we stood still, and I'd like to think we all were better for it.

I wish I could describe the way it felt to be in that softly glowing room Friday night. There are a lot of feelings I have about the INN I wish I could describe. But, I can't - and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe my attempt to describe everything with words will ruin it all - I just can't do it justice. It's all good. This is a good place. And I am so grateful to be a part of it.

A Wonderful Wednesday Morning

2008-10-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

It all began at 6am when the cell phone on my window sill beeped. I reached for it and opened it to discover a text message from my favorite Aunt in the whole entire world - just a little note to say hello and to promise to make her proud. I then went down the hallway to Megan's room where I found her packing up for the day and Cody (her new 9 month old puppy, my new roommate) on the bed. The three of us sat together for a few minutes and then they were out the door. A mug of tea, a face wash, a new pair of jeans and three layers later I headed out the door to meet Emily for out wednesday morning coffee.

When I walked out of the apartment I was greeted by the warm sunshine, beautiful fall colors that continue to leave me breathless, and a crisp, crisp morning. As I headed to the corner a biker came up with a huge smile on his face - it was Charlie, one of my favorite professors from college. We stood on the corner chatting for a few moments and I was reminded how much I appreciate Charlie's ability to be encouraging with just a grin and a nod.

The warmth of coffee and busyness welcomed me into Avellino where a table was waiting for two friends to sit and rest and reconnect from being apart for a week. I sat down and opened a book of prayer, determined to become good at this spiritual discipline thing. Then my friend BJ walked in the door and we made a 7am frolf date (who does that? Who frolfs at 7am? Seriously.). Then Emily came in and we drank our espresso and exchanged our stories. Now, here I sit, looking at my prayer book thinking I should probably open it up. And I will. I promise. I'm going to open it up and pray with great gratitude; because today is going to be a good, good day. I can feel it.

Would You Like to Get Some Mail?

2008-10-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

You faithful readers of this silly little blog have noticed that I haven't be so good at posting consistently lately. You have also probably noticed the increase in the number of times I mention the INN. Being a part of the IN has probably been the best part of my story that has been developing over the pat six years here in Bellingham. If you would like to know more about the INN and more about what is happening with this amazing place I have the opportunity to be a part of you can use the form below to sign up for the monthly mailings. These monthly newsletters come from Jim, the director, as well as student stories. The mailing list also presents an opportunity to give to the INN. If you do give, understand that you're taking part in God doing something great in the Northwest, as well as around the world as alumni spread over the globe after graduating.

This afternoon we as a staff will be heading down to Cornet Bay at Deception Pass to prepare for the Fall Retreat this weekend. At approximately 7pm tonight students will be showing up in togas with sleeping bags under their arms ready to jump into the weekend. Our theme is "When INN Rome" and it's going to be great. Please pray for us as we get some loose ends together and get ready for the weekend. Until next time - later!

I Keep Trying

2008-10-17T01:32:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to drink more coffee out of a pot or french press than coffee at a cute little shop.
I keep trying to pronounce the name of this smokey-cool tea from Avellino.
I keep trying to be artsy and take cook pictures.
I keep trying to reduce my carbon footprint by walking everywhere.
I keep trying to celebrate fall by making pumpkin things.
I keep trying to make our apartment cute with candles and blankets.
I keep trying to fix my bike on my own and have yet to really let it sink in that I just need a little help.
I keep trying to write a song that will send a message.
I keep trying to make good choices.
I keep trying to hide things that I am ashamed of.
I keep trying to be vulnerable.
I keep trying to post a blog that will tell everyone who cares enough to read this silly thing all the wonderful things I have experienced in the past couple of months working at the INN.
I keep trying to finish the hat Laura started teaching me how to make but have made very little progress in three days.
I keep trying to resist the urge to give in to life's demons.
I keep trying to be perfectly organized.
I keep trying to make the world around me a little better because I'm in it.

The reality is that it feels like I am trying really hard at a lot of things day to day - and it feels like I'm not gaining to much success. But, nevertheless, I suppose it's important that I'm trying. Maybe if I keep trying I'll accomplish something great.

Late Night in the Office (#1)

2008-09-17T23:32:00.001-07:00

We INNterns have been warned that we will be spending many a night "working" until midnight (if not later). Tonight is the first of those many nights. Sarah, Laura, Stead, and I returned to the office after our respective dinner locations to continue working on elements for programs over the course of the next week. Stead has been solving technology dilemmas and we girls have been gettin' artsy-fartsy with paints creating posters for Red Square Fair, the first Tuesday night of the year, and Fountain Festival (our welcome back activity). Laura made coffee, Sarah and I are taking turns playing DJ, and Stead keeps us going with his side jokes and chuckles.

For the past couple days Lisa has been looking around the room saying, "this is such a weird place, we have weird jobs...." And I couldn't agree with her more! We have been making ridiculous phone calls asking for ridiculous donations of everything from live goldfish to cotton candy machines. We have been making posters like mad and recording obnoxiously funny video scenes for our introduction video and brainstorming ideas for the future. We have been meeting returning students for coffee and lunch dates to catch up with everyone and how their lives have changed over the summer. And on top of it all we are beginning to discover what it means to work at this crazy place called the INN.

Last night we had a prayer gathering. INN alumni (of students, INNterns, and Sr. Staff) and members of FPC came to pray for the INN, the students coming to WWU for the year, for the staff (we need all the prayer we can get!), and to pray thanksgiving over the way God has provided and cared for the INN in the past. As we were praying I looked up and noticed who I was sitting with - Stacy, Carrie, TC, and Megan G. Carrie, TC, and Megan were all INNterns in the last four years and they were also three of the girls who I liked a lot as a student. I also had no idea how much they would impact me. These were the girls I knew the least when they started their time as INNterns. These were the girls who reached out to me when I didn't know I needed to be reached out too. These are the girls who fill my mailbox with little notes of friendship and my afternoons with walks and coffee and stories. These girls are just three of the reasons why I love the INN. If I had time (and if you were interested) I would list all the people who have touched my life because they were INN staff or students. I would tell you of all our adventures and memorable moments. I would share pictures and jokes and stories. But the reality is that not only is there not enough time, but not enough space on this blog page. I cannot tell you of all the ways I have been changed by those who have taken the time to be mentors and friends here in Bellingham, all through the INN.

Last night I prayed that those who have any connection with the INN this year, whether it be on a tuesday night or being served by students on mission trips, will know the INN is not a building, an office, a program, or a time. The INN is a community of hope, love, devotion, service, faith, challenge, and friendship.

Well, poster breaks over - time to paint.

It Begins...

2008-09-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

Last week was the beginning of a great adventure in my life called the Internship at the INN University Ministries here in Bellingham. On day one we were instructed to report to the INN Office to head out on a staff retreat. Stead and I decided to go together, and as we approached the double doors of the office he glanced back at me and said in perfect Stead fashion, "well, there's no turning back now." And he was right. In that brief moment before entering the building it felt like it was our last chance to change our minds. Even if I had wanted to, I don't think I could. There is a powerful pull towards the INN. Something has happened to me there, and that something is not done with me, or the INN, yet.

Needless to say, the retreat was awesome (we INNterns even beat the Sr. Staff in a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit, a feat only one other INNtern crew has done in the past). This week we have begun our work in the office. Most of the day is spent on the new carpet that lines the floor of the newly remodeled office talking about student leaders, welcome back activities, the first INN of the year, and expectations of one another. Each morning we sip coffee, read scripture, pray, and begin focusing on the mission of ministry that has been set before us. Moments of laughter and sarcasm are far from rare in our discussions and there is plenty of creativity and encouragement from one another as the ten of us work together to try and nurture and develop our crazy little community.

I have officially been an INNtern for one week as of today. And I really do love it. I love the tension of myself and my faith that exists in a ministry so focused on others and all the different paths of life they come from. I love ridiculous gmail chats from Stead and Sarah that pop up on my computer screen as they sit directly behind me in the INNtern section of the office. I love sitting on Seth's little couch and talking about videos and music and spiritual tension. I love the encouragement Jim gives us as he leaves for the day. I love how Lindsay and Lisa laugh about everything. I love Christine and Ty's cool headedness. I love Laura's willingness to be upfront and creative. I find myself in this truly awesome group of people and wonder how and why I am the one sitting in the circle with them. It's just so ridiculously cool!

Please pray for all the beginnings that will be happening over the course of the next few weeks. Students come home to WWU soon and that means there is a lot to do! Please pray for us as we prepare the INN. Until next time, peace!

Another Wedding - Pre Thoughts

2008-08-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

Santa Cruz is sunny and beautiful. The coffee roasting machine in Coffee Cat hums as it rolls the beans that will soon be ground and brewed into delicious coffee to perk up the brains and bodies that pass through the double glass doors into the quirky Santa Cruz coffee shop. With three shots of espresso and directions on my lap top I am ready to go. This week Matt and Katie are getting married and I am SO excited! As soon as Todd, Mindi, and Carla pull up to the curb in the car I'll jump in and we will be on our way down south to wear pretty black dresses and tuxes, sing songs over a white baby grand piano and choke back the tears as Matt and Katie commit their lives to one another.

Weddings are so cool. I know a lot of people say you see one wedding you've seen them all, but I disagree. For me each wedding is special and unique. Sure some things look the same, the Bible verses or the songs, or the vows exchanged between the couple are the same. In the end the results are the same as well; a marriage license is signed as the happy couple leaves for a honeymoon to be man and wife and enter the craziness that is the first year of marriage. But that's the thing - the marriage. Each marriage is unique and special. Each marriage is a remarkable promise to love and honor another person before yourself for the rest of your life. Weddings are more than fluffy white gowns, a bouquet and garder toss, some fancy cake, and the cha-cha slide. Weddings are a marking moment in the lives of two people. Genuinely entering a marriage is one of the most selfless things you can do. That is so cool!

It is hard to believe that someone would love you that much. I struggle with knowing that my God loves me as much as He does. I struggle with knowing that I need to love myself more. And I think that is one reason why I love weddings. Because for that moment, in the lives of my friends I can see how God loves us through one another.

I am SO excited for Matt and Katie! Here's my ride - time to go!

Why's and Oh's

2008-08-18T00:24:00.001-07:00

The other morning I was sitting at the kitchen counter with my godsons, Tristan and Ethan. In case this is a fact you don't know, they are six year old twin boys who I cherish like none other. Some of my favorite moments with the boys happen in the mornings. Whether I'm being woken up from being tackled on the couch, or sharing toast, or planning the day with them, they make me smile and give my heart a lift on rough days. This morning was nothing special. Mindi (their mom) was getting ready for her last camp board meeting here at Mt. Cross so the boys and I decided to make her a special breakfast of coffee cake. We were mixing ingredients in the bowl when Noah, their two year old brother, walked into the room asking where his mom was. "Mommy has to go to a meeting," I told him. And then it began....

"Why?"
"Because mommy has to tell some people about the summer at Mt. Cross."
"Why?"
"Because not everyone got to be at camp like we did all summer and they want to know if everyone had fun, how many kids came to camp, if the summer staff were good workers, things like that."
"Why?"
"Because mommy is the only one who can tell them things like that and those are the things that help make Mt. Cross important."
"Why?"
"Because your mommy works really hard at running camp."
"Why?"
"Because it's her job."
"Why?"
"Because the people at the meeting trust mommy with that job."
"Why?"
"Because mommy loves Jesus and wants kids to know who He is."
"Why?"
"Because Jesus loves mommy."
"Oh."

Many of us know and joke about the "why" stages we go through in life, especially when we are younger. We want to know how everything works, what's going on behind the big picture, the reasons for something happening the way that it does. Tristan, Ethan, and Noah have somewhat turned it into their own joke and giggle every time they ask why and wait together for an answer. There are times when I feel like I am not able to satisfy their desire for an answer to their "why" questions. Often times it is as if I am trying to use to many words to explain or do not know what to say when they ask me "why". Except for the other morning over coffee cake batter. In the end it all boiled down to the love that their mom has for God and the love He has for her. And even though it seemed to be a simple back and forth rally of talking, I think the "Oh" from all three boys says it all. And I can't help but see that manifesting itself in the lives of my friends and myself. Why is Kyle going to Africa? Because God loves him. Why are Stead, Sarah C., Ty, Laura, and Christine working with me at the INN next year? Because God loves us. Why do many of us who believe in the Gospel do what we do? Because God loves us.

Law and Gospel

2008-08-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

Camp has gone through a pretty weird change in the last 24 hours or so. Our summer at Mt. Cross quazi-officially ended. Most of our summer staff have gone home to family and school, while a few are lingering behind to help with one more week of Day Camp and about 8 of us are meandering around main site helping with the San Jose Youth Symphony's camp program. It is an interesting dynamic when SJYS comes - especially when they arrive less than an hour after you have had your last worship together as a summer staff. Ridiculous transition. The people who come to run the SJYS program are pretty unique, full of character, gifts, and passions for music and developing the skills their kids come to camp with. Last night we invited everyone from SJYS to join us for First Word in the mornings (scripture and prayer to start the day off right). At the same time another one of their counselors said that he had planned a worship service for the morning (it being sunday and all). So, this morning I went - and I was heartbroken.

When I walked into Upper Jensen it was really exciting to see the number of kids who had been willing to get up early for a sunrise worship service. I couldn't see who it was but someone was sitting on the piano, quietly playing the melody to "Wonderful Maker". As we sang my heart was so excited to be singing songs I haven't had a chance to sing in months. Then, we pulled out our Bibles and started reading from the book of Romans. In my mind, Romans is the book of the Bible that's all about grace. The SJYS counselor who spoke did not view it the same. He began reading from the second chapter, telling the kids that God hates us because we are terrible sinners, that our hate for others is okay as long as it is what they deserve, and that our God is a God of wrath and judgement. Harsh. I waited and waited - I waited for 45 minutes as he read random passages that explain God's judgement on us. Law, law, law... I kept waiting for a little bit of Gospel, Gospel, Gospel. And sadly, it never really came. Not once did he consult the 3rd chapter of Romans, where the Bible speaks of our salvation through our faith in Jesus. Not once did he speak of any reconciliation God granted to His people. He told the story of Saul being blinded by God for persecuting His people, but he did not tell the end of Saul's story when God gives him his sight back and gives him a new name (Paul). It was all law - that our God will judge us and hate us because we are miserable, worthless sinners. All I could do was stare at Romans chapter 3 and wait for the healing words of the Gospel to jump from his mouth; but they never came.

Sitting there in the back of the room listening to the message (that I'm sure the speaker thought was wonderful and just what the room needed to hear), I turned to Kat (a girl I worked with this summer) and we both pointed at Romans 3. We both knew in our hearts that the law is incomplete without the Gospel, and the Gospel is incomplete without the law. If I have learned anything when it comes to the "theology" of my faith this summer, it is that both law and Gospel need to be acknowledged for us to truly understand who we are in Christ and what we are called to do with the life we have been given. Over breakfast we continued talking and we came to this conclusion: Without the law accompanying the Gospel, you cannot live. And you cannot live without the Gospel accompanying the law. If we do not know the law we don't know what to do with our salvation! And if we do not claim the salvation of the cross then we have no life to live at all!

Claim the Gospel - live your life well. Peace.

Thought Knot

2008-08-04T16:06:00.001-07:00

My mind has been a jumble lately. Imagine that each thought in my head is a different colored string. All the strings at one point were wrapped up neatly - I'm sure of it. However, they have somehow tumbled together to make a massive knot of a mess. Green thoughts of growth wrap around orange strings of fear, which tightens around blue strings of hope that refuses to be choked out, yellow strings of encouragement find their way into the mess somehow, excitement finds itself manifesting in a bright, bold pink, and all the while a pure white strand of faith makes it's way into the mess that is my thought-knot. What do I do with this mess? It feels like it has gotten to the point that I am unable to even discern where the end of each strand begins or ends.

It is the last week of traditional youth camp here at Mt. Cross. After this week there are two weeks of specialized programming (for the San Jose Youth Symphony and an organization called Help One Child) and then the summer is officially over. It's ridiculous! Last week I was lucky enough to get to have my friend Seth visit - SO GOOD FOR MY SOUL! We worked at camp a little (a little office work here, some ropes course there, it was awesome) and then got to spend most of Saturday in Santa Cruz on the beach and the cliffs, eating yummy Santa Cruz food and ice cream, soakin' up the sunset over the ocean, and chattin' it up. It was just what I needed. I needed something good to boost me up for the next few weeks. Summer staff are beginning to leave, Mt. Cross is in a place of transition (which is a train I will not be boarding), and my life in Bellingham is going to still be wonderful, but different than what I have known it to be. I needed something, to remind me that it's all going to be OK - that it's a great adventure and there are things that will soon be beginning to look forward to. It makes the endings bearable I think.

Now it's time to head back out into the sunshine, out of the dark office, and walk alongside the campers and staff here. Time with them is fleeting and precious.

Conversation

2008-07-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Conversation: an informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words; oral communication between persons; talk; colloquy.

These past couple of weeks have been filled to the brim with conversations! One-on-ones with campers and summer staff, all-staff convos, small group meetings, and unexpected phone calls that make my heart happy have been making their ways into my life lately. All this talking makes me feel so connected.

Sunday night I was chatting with a friend over the phone about the message he had heard at church that morning. Because of when I have to start my Sundays at camp I can't go to worship anywhere, so he was nice enough to fill me in. As we chatted he shared the worship and message with me. The pastor that morning had talked about prayer and how it is a very, very important element to our faith and our lives that should exist, but for many of us doesn't. I am one of those in the "many of us" category. I guess I just don't think about it much. It often times is hard for me to focus on being still long enough to really pray. And for this I feel guilty.

Something that my friend mentioned about the sermon was the fact that the pastor talked about prayer being a conversation between you and God. This got me thinking; a conversation usually has two participants. Both individuals take the time to talk, listen, respond, talk, listen, respond, talk, listen, respond, etc. This thought in particular is a bit humbling for me to think about because when I do pray, my "conversation" if you will, is often times one sided. It is pretty rare that I stop talking, stop filling my moments of stillness with day-to-day worries and ruckus, and actually stop to listen and respond to God talking to me.

Because of this realization, I have given myself a "prayer challenge": To talk. To listen. To respond.

I Want to Write...

2008-07-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

The end of Week 5 is quickly approaching here at camp and I have yet to truly take the time to write something about the time I have spent here in California. Every day I have heard and seen inspirational, wonderful, noteworthy things from fellow staff members and campers, and every day I tell myself "I should write about that!" And every day I fail. Not on purpose - I really do want to write. But alas, I become overwhelmed with creating s'more packages, finding tarps for slip 'n slides, creating Camp Clue, helping counselors find their bearings with new challenge course elements, setting up high ropes, communicating with the kitchen, and checking in with cabins as they walk by.

This week I was blessed with a pretty cool surprise. My friend Ryan Brown showed up with his kids from Marysville, WA for a week of Adventures on the Coast! Ryan went to school with my sister, then got married and fell off the face of the earth. But here he is this week! It has been good to have Ryan around and to catch up on one another's lives. And other friend is coming down to visit for a few days in a couple weeks - WOO HOO!!!! So exciting! I have decided that it is the summer of friendship. :o)

I wish there was more meat to this post, but to be honest, I got nothin' right now. My brain is tired and empty. And maybe that's okay for now.

Summer So Far - A List

2008-07-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

To some people in my life I may have fallen off the face of the earth. For others, you know where I am (Santa Cruz, CA) and understand why I have quazi disapeared for the summer. Others may not have even noticed. And if I had more than a few moments right now to tell you of all the wonderful struggles and joys I have experienced in the last six weeks I would. But, time is short as I have the blessing of leading the Mt. Cross summer staff in a staff-refresher this weekend (complete with a trip to Oakland for an A's game - sssshhhhhh, it's a secret!). So, until I have more time, here is a list of a few things I have experienced that I will hopefully get to write more about later:

Amazing resource pastors (i.e. Pastor Pat and Pastor Rhonda)
Night hikes
Way of the Cross
The "Listen Up" theme song
Camper stories and quotes
Encouragement
Camp mail from Washington
Late night ER runs
"Camp Crud" epidemic
Servant hearts
FIRES!
Loss of self
Roomie rotation
Schedules, schedules, schedules!
Humility
Polar Bear Swims
Compassion (and lack-there-of)
Loss
Sand and Surf
Hunger for more
Dares
Homesickness
Friends

I hope to write more details later. But, this is all I have to give at the moment. MISS YOU ALL! Peace.

It's Been A While

2008-06-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed, it's been a while since I've posted, and it's not because I haven't had anything to write about! The honest truth is that I'm not quite sure how to share the stories of what I am experiencing here in California this summer. Mt. Cross is still a ridiculously wonderful place where I see God moving constantly. I still love my cliffs and sandy shores of Santa Cruz. I would love to write about conversations I've been having with fellow summer staff, the coffee shops and their funky art work, the tide pools I tip-toe around, and the emotions that overwhelmed my heart the other day when I sat on a set of stairs next to a sanctuary where a worship team was preparing for the morning as the new light of the day began to shine down through the windows of the church. I still cherish campfires and precious moments when the lights click on in the mind of a camper (or staff member!). And I know those conversations will be shared, and stories will be told. But for this moment, I have no conversations or stories. I have an announcement....

I CAUGHT THE FIRST WAVE OF THE SUMMER!!!!!

Tonight I had the amazing opportunity of taking a visiting youth group to the beach and got to teach them how to boogie board. The waves were huge - which was GREAT! And I caught my first official wave of the summer. That means IT'S ON!

Control

2008-06-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

"You just have to give up control - you don't have it anymore, I do."

These are the words Emily said to me as we mounted the tandum bicycle and left the house on Carolina St. I was ridiculously nervous - my breathing was shaky, my equilibrium wobbly, and my nerves jittery, and my hands were gripping the white handlebars so tightly you couldn't tell the difference between the bars and my fingers. How ironic is it that these are the words I hear the afternoon after my graduation?

This last weekend I found myself back in Bellingham to walk across a stage in Carver Gymnasium at WWU to shake a few educated people's hands and receive recognition for accomplishing the task of completing college. It was a pretty exciting day; I had breakfast with my dad and his wife, hugged my mom, put on my cap and gown, stood in Red Square for a couple hours, sat in the gym for a while and heard a couple speakers, recieved my blue diploma holder (the piece of paper comes in the mail in a few weeks) and then partied with some really wonderful friends. As the night began to come to an end I started thinking about what the day had meant. It meant no more classes in Carver 110. It meant no more rushing up Indian St. to get to class on time. It meant no more hustle-and-bustle from one end of campus to the next with a cup of coffee from Vender's Row in hand. It meant no more late nights researching in the library. It meant no more office hours with professors. It meant no more seeking out cheap textbooks. It meant that I had completed my mission and that it has become time to move on to the next.

I think I have been coming to this realization for awhile now. However, they are becoming more and more real as the days pass and it begins to sink in that my life as I know it is done. It is time to grab ahold of what I am going to be in this next chapter - whatever that means. And it is this realization that I cycle my thoughts back to the bike ride with Emily. As we continued to pedal downtown I kept struggling to take over control of the bike. Every time I did we would wobble a little from side to side, but that was about all my movements would do. I could not change the course of the bike - it wasn't my job.

How huge of a realization is that? The realization that I am not in control. It is not my job to be in control. No matter how much I want to be, I can't. Someone else knows the way better than I do. Someone else knows how to steer "the bike of life" (if you will) better than myself. And it's time for me to come to terms with that.

Late Night Thoughts from LAX

2008-06-14T03:43:00.000-07:00

Once again, I find myself a weary traveler waiting for my flight to board in one of the many airports scattered along the west coast. My sunburn is itchy beneath my t-shirt as my messenger bag strap constantly reminds me of the mistake concerning lack of sunscreen I made yesterday. My guitar rests next to me, glad to be out of the dark, cold hole it travels in beneath the plane. Other people hustle and stumble about the terminal with their luggage, children, or significant other in tow hoping they know where they’re going and that they will reach their flights on time. And here I sit – waiting.

I feel as if I am waiting for more than just my turn to board the jet heading north for my home. I feel like my heart is waiting for a more monumental moment. It is waiting for the moment when I can release the entanglement of emotions that have been building up and wrestling one another for weeks. Emotions of change, loss, gain, questions, answers, hope, joy, fear, anxiety – they’re all there, sharing one space, fighting for their chance to surface and take over my state of mind completely.

This probably sounds ridiculous, but I feel like my heart has been in a state of constant brokenness and constant healing at the same time. It seems as if every time a crack is created He (I guess you could say “He” being God) comes and mends the crack. I think it is because of this feeling I just want to cry. I want to cry tears of joy and sorrow, tears of hope and fear, tears of redemption and tears of guilt. And in each emotion, in each state, in each reflection of what has been, what is, and the vision of what will be, I just have a desire to fall into someone’s arms and cry (and what makes this funny and odd to me is the fact that I am not a crier – or at least I wasn’t until this last year).

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Thanks for letting me share. Until next time - peace.

Status of the Moment...

2008-06-04T00:53:00.000-07:00

I should be done packing my bags for Cali.

I should be taking a nap right now.

I should be ready to go.

I should be overwhelmed with excitement for completing my undergraduate degree.

I am sitting across the room from the closet full of things to pack up into my car.

I am wide awake.

I am not ready to leave yet.

It feels like nothing important happened to me as I walked down the halls of WWU for the last time as a student.

Even though I'm coming back to Bellingham to graduate (woo hoo!) tonight was a night of goodbyes for me with quite a few people. And now as I sit here with the door propped slightly ajar so I can hear the rain and smell the wind of summer that is fighting to reign over the month of June again, I am wishing I had another day. Santa Cruz is going to be GREAT - it always is! But there is a piece of me that doesn't want to leave.

Tonight was my last INN as a student. We stood up before the community as Jim introduced us and we smiled back at the people who will be our very lives next year (so cool!). After the INN I shared many hugs, cried a few tears, and drove an old friend home. When I got back to Indian St., I walked down to one of my favorite houses in town and sat with some amazing guys. Then I went on a walk in the drizzle with a favorite - so good for my heart. And now here I am, waiting for the laundry to dry so I can toss it into a suitcase and chuck it into the trunk of JJ the car.

In a few hours I will put my new CD in my car stereo (thanks Seth Thomas!), get onto I-5 and drive south. I will cross over the river to Oregon, drive down the coast, and cross the boarder of Oregon into the northern brown and red dirt into the heart of the redwoods of California. By this time tomorrow I will be sleeping in a bunk bed at Mt. Cross, surrounded by the people I will share my life with for the next few months. Pray for me. Pray for them.

It's gonna be good. Even though I don't feel quite ready yet, it will be amazing - epic, if you will.

From Pressure to Breathing

2008-05-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

The air is calm and still over Lake Whatcom as the beginning sailing class arrives for the day. No wind means it's time for games! Everyone gathers at the boathouse waiting to hear the words "bucket ball" escape the lips of our instructors. Instead, we hear that we are going to be part of a relay. We rig the boats, split up into pairs, and begin the tasks of running across four boats tied together, spinning with our foreheads pressed against a rudder, and then jump into our rigged boats, out of breath and dizzy only to attempt to bring the boat around a buoy and to make wind by rocking the boat back and forth. On the last leg it happens - someone slips. She looses her footing and slides off the boat into the cold lake. Besides the shock of the water, loss of her glasses, and a small bump to her head she is fine, but cold. One of the instructors turns to us and asks if anyone has anything dry for her to wear. I remember the laundry in the trunk of my car and begin to run up the hill to grab the warmest articles of clothing I can find.

As my legs carry me up the hill I can feel the pressure in my chest as my lungs do their best to breathe. The late spring air is surprisingly cold and I can feel my lungs strain against the temperature. Reaching up with my hand I unzip my lifejacket and a great feeling of relief washes over me. There is room to breathe. I can feel it as more air flows in and out all the way to the car and back down the hill. Without the pressure of the lifejacket holding me back I can breathe freely and effortlessly.

Sitting here now, soaking up the sun as it begins to sink into the bay I cannot help but compare the pressure of the lifejacket on my chest to the feelings of guilt that often times confine my heart into moments of pressure and stress. I cannot help but think about how good it would feel to release the pressure and take off the burden of guilt. How wonderful would it feel if I were able to unzip the lifejacket of sin and guilt (which doesn't actually serve very well as a lifejacket if you think about it) and let myself take in breath by breath true redemption and forgiveness? How sweet that air would be.

One of Those "I Miss You" Days

2008-05-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

Usually when we wakes up in the morning we are able to discern what kind of day it is going to be. Before it even begins to unfold we have the chance to look out the window and tell ourselves if it is going to be a good day, a bad day, or just a day. We have the opportunity to take hold of our day and claim it. Unfortunatly, we are at times given a greater challenge in claiming our days. Today is one of those days....

This morning I woke up to clouds. The rain drizzled down and danced on the puddles that covered the sidewalks and filled the intersection of Indian and Holly. Pulling back my covers I began to think about what kind of a day I was going to have. It's a jean day. Yep. A jeans and hoodie day. A jeans, hoodie, and pony tail day. So I got dressed, pulled my hair back into a pony tail, loaded my school bag, brushed my teeth, and headed for the door to catch the bus. As I walked across the street I noticed that I was an hour ahead of schedule, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Perfect. I will sip coffee. And that is exactally what I did. My americano and I sat with geology notes at a table in the Atrium and sort-of-crammed-last-minute-style for my exam. Then, it hit me; it hit me hard. Today was going to be one of those days....

Today is one of those days when my heart just misses people. It sounds cheesy, but today is one of those days when I just need to be hugged. Today is one of those days when I am reminded that people I love are busy, far away, and overwhelmed with life. Today is one of those days when I long to be the center of someone's world and have someone as the center of mine - then reality sets in and I am reminded that I am not and cannot be.

So, here are my thoughts. If you are far away, I miss you. If you are busy and I haven't seen you for a while, I miss you. If my being busy is the reason I haven't seen you, I miss you. If you are my roommate, I miss you. If you are my family, I miss you. If you have ever taken the time to walk with me, I miss you. If you have moved away from Bellingham, I miss you.

It's just one of those "I miss you" days.

A Weekend and a Youth Retreat

2008-05-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

I love youth ministry. This weekend I was able to go with my friend Kyle out to a camp in Auburn where we spent our time as "Burt and D" (an old, old retired couple from the south), playing medallion challenges, worshiping, chatting with kids about Jesus, and taking in moments of stillness and rest (something we both simply don't do often enough). It was great! I'll give you a brief overview:

Friday: Burt and D enter the scene and we begin a "journey around the world" with the kids. We start out in Mexico and South America in search of medallions. The kids found some while playing glow-in-the-dark ultimate Frisbee. So good! The night also included nachos and worship - beautiful.

Saturday: The day was filled with shenanigans such as searching for clues in nacho cheese and mashed potatoes, a tomato fight, chariot races (plastic tubs being pulled my your teammates across a field), Catch Phrase, Apples to Apples, Speed, chocolate chip cookies, and stories about transformation. The day also included a special prayer worship followed by bag skits and random trivia games. Once again, SO GOOD!

Sunday: The day started off with breakfast burritos and water balloons - does it really get any better? Burt and D took the kids on a "safari" in Africa where they attempted to hit a hippo and lion with water balloons. We worshiped and read some of the Gospel, cleaned up camp, exchanged hugs and high fives, and then headed back north.

Youth ministry is just so awesome. Think about it, how many other moments in life can you chuck a rotting tomato at a person and then sit down and pray with them? How many other places can you challenge each other to eat ridiculously gross food combinations and then chat about personal struggles? How many other places can you play improv games and follow them with worship? How many other moments in life can be filled with goofy laughter, awkward moments, dorky characters, poop stories, duct tape, running around in the dark, AND the Gospel? There is something encouraging in all of that - and I like it.

Healing

2008-04-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been considering and wrestling with the idea of healing. When we are in pain (both physical and emotional) it feels like the healing will never come. We find ourselves in this deep pit, alone, confused, covered in sorrow and shame, broken and abandoned. I was in that place for a really, really long time. My heart was broken, my soul shattered to pieces, my mind covered in darkness. Glimmers of hope would sparkle on the horizon of my life at times; but at the end of the day as I crawled between the sheets of my bed I would feel the weight on my back and I would whisper prayers under my breath praying for daylight to come and take away my pain. Eventually my prayers would be answered. The sun would rise and I would climb out of bed, take on the day (forgetting about my brokenness), and live life as I always had. Then the sun would fall, the moon would rise, the clouds would cover the stars and my heart would sink.

Life has changed drastically for me over the course of the past three months or so. GOD IS GOOD! Somehow I have begun to learn and accept what it means to be soaked in redemption. I have stepped back and taken in the goodness that is grace, love, hope, joy, and healing through faith and friendship. Instead of sitting quietly and letting words of reconciliation and repair pass over my head I looked up, lifted my hands, grabbed hold, and carried them with me. I have taken the leap into filling my pockets with hope and affirmation. I have begun to open my eyes and see the truth of God and what He has given me.

Acts 9:17-19 tells about a moment when a broken man found healing, redemption, and true sight because Jesus sent him the Holy Spirit. "... Placing his hands on Saul, he said, 'Brother Saul, the Lord - Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here - has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit.' Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized...." Here is something important to know about Saul: he was a persecutor, murderer, and thief to Christians. He hated them, he hated the Gospel, and he punished anyone and everyone who stood up for Jesus and His message. God blinded Saul and let him experience pain for three days. He was blind, thirsty, and starving. Little did Saul know that God was there with him the whole time. And not only was God there, but God knew when the suffering was going to come to an end. Saul needed to experience that suffering so he could discover the beauty of redemption and the healing power of faith in the Gospel. After a period of time grace and love fell over Saul and he carried that with him for the rest of his life.

I feel a lot like Saul. I know I didn't do anything like murder and pillage others, but I was trapped in the guilt and shame of my sin. I was trapped behind a veil that covered my eyes and my heart to the beauty of truth, acceptance, and love that comes with taking in the sights that come with faith and trusting in the Gospel. But, life has taken a turn. Somehow the pain has dissolved. That time has come to an end. Not to say that it is gone forever - that would be silly. Pain will always exist. Someone will always be struggling, and there will be times when that someone is me. What is important for me (and you) to remember is that it really is only for a period of time. It may be shorter or longer than we think, but the end will come. Darkness will be pierced by light, grace and love will cover our brokenness, and we will find joy in healing.

2 Blown Tires, 5 Kind Strangers

2008-04-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

This morning I left Bellingham ridiculously early so I could get to Chesire, Oregon to see one of my favorite families, the Wagners. After Sabbath at the INN and a good talk with a favorite friend I packed my back pack, grabbed my sleeping bag, tossed my tennis shoes in the trunk, snagged some fruit for a road trip snack, and headed out. As I drove down I-5 music blared a bit louder than normal from my speakers, snow fell from the sky (random, it's April in Washington!), and I embraced the fading of the night as it turned into a beautiful, blue early morning. Then, tragic event number one occured....

I heard and felt flapping in the rear of my car and smelled what definatly seemed to be hot rubber. Pulling over to the shoulder I stepped out and walked around the rear of my car only to discover the tire had ripped itself to shreds. Pulling off the freeway I pulled into a gas station and began to change my tire. This is when I encountered kind stranger #1. His name was Joseph and he was really great. He inspected the old tire, checked the spare donut tire to make sure the lug nuts were tight, shook hands with me and off he went into the deep blue morning. I thought to myself, "that was nice" and continued on. Little did I know tragic event number two was only a couple hours away....

I pulled off the freeway to get a much desired coffee. Pulling away with my white chocolate americano in hand I was about to get on the freeway when the rear end of my car felt funny again. Nervous anxiety filled my chest, but a calmness filled my head. Whatever the problem was, I knew I could fix it - I just knew it. Unfortunatly my assurance was not strong enough to create the reality I desired. The spare donut tire had completely seperated itself from it's rim. As I pulled out the jack from my trunk I encountered kind stranger #2. This stranger's name was Rick and he was adimit about getting me in a safe place with four tires on my car. He opened his trunk and started pulling out his spare tires, one a donut similar to the one that had failed me, the other an old snow tire with worn down studs speckling it's tread. Much to both our dismay, neither tire would fit my car. After much reassuring him that I would be fine and tossing his tires back in his trunk, we shook hands and off Rick went.

Shortly after Rick kind strangers #3 and #4, an older couple from California, pulled over in front of me and hopped out of their dodge truck. The woman's face was full of pity and worry while her husband walked around my car inspecting the damage. After reassuring them that a tow truck was coming and that I would be fine they climbed back in their truck and drove off.

I just sat in my car and cried. For a good ten minutes I was frustrated, anxious, saddened, and upset. There was nothing I could do but wait helplessly in my car for a tow truck to come. Then, more saving grace came with a phone call from a favorite friend. He helped me to laugh at the explosive tires and to see the blessing in the fact that no damage or harm was actually done to my car or myself. Such a good little chat.

Needless to say Dick the tow truck driver (kind stranger #5) came, lifted my car with the truck, and towed me to Les Shwab. Now my name is being called from the front desk. Yea for new tires! Yea for the kindness of strangers! Yea for good friends! Off I go!

Post-Its

2008-04-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

Post-Its. Little pieces of paper with a light, temporary adhesive attached as a strip to the back of the paper. Usually they are used to write brief messages or reminders. They stick to pretty much anything. Desks. Walls. Boxes. Telephones. The inside of your friend's car.

Wednesday night a couple friends and I filled the interior of our friend Kyle's car with 3600 post-its and balloons. There we were, covered in the darkness of the night, laughing and talking about how amazing it was going to be to fill the car with post-it notes. We wrote messages on some, but most were just stuck all over the place. By the time we were through, you couldn't see the floor, the seats, the dash, or out of the vehicle. It was like sitting inside a giant pile of papers. The street light shone through the post-its on the windows and shone through in mosaic-like patterns. SO COOL.

I love that. I love that I have friends who are willing to do ridiculous things with me. I love that I have friends who let me into their lives and who are willing to come into mine. Friends and post-its... With those two things, life will always be great.

A Week Full of Friends

2008-04-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

Friends are good. Friends are what make us remember that good things exist in this world. Friends remind us that we are worthy of life. They give us hope to move on when we struggle and they give us someone to celebrate with when good things happen.

My best friend Kirsten was in town for the week and it was AWESOME. She, her husband Brian, and their baby girl Hallie (who just turned 1!) all traveled back to Washington from Albuquerque, NM to visit family and friends. We spent random moments of the week sitting in her parents' living room talking, dancing with Hallie, strolling in the sunshine, joking around, laughing, and reconnecting. Since Kirsten moved not a day has gone by when I don't think about her and the little Tyhuis-trio she has become since marrying Brian a couple years ago - but I think I do sometimes forget how much I really do miss her.

BBQ has been a theme of my spring so far, especially this week as I was blessed with grilling burgers at Boulevard Park twice. Both meals were shared with friends, accompanied with laughter, sunshine, sail boats on the bay, and fun pictures.

This weekend we celebrated Mission Trips at the INN. Saturday night FPC was filled with parents, friends, members of FPC, roommates, INN Alumni, and Spring Break Mission Trip Teams. Everyone gathered together to see, share, and celebrate the work that was done and the community that was created and strengthened over the course of the trips. All those faces, all those relationships, all those connections, all those worlds colliding - it was really fun to watch.

The weekend ends and the week begins with today. Mike, Megan, and I played cards and chatted at the Lettered Streets Coffee House. I hugged and said goodbye to Kirsten, Brian, and Hallie. Mindi and I talked on the phone while I was driving home. I did homework and chatted at the living room table with Seth. And as I lay here in bed, listening to "Blackbird" I am reminiscing over memories that have been created; each memory is special in it's own unique way because of the people who created them.

Dang - there are some good people in my life. :o) How did I get to be so lucky?

Unstirred Caramel Macciato

2008-04-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

Today it was reaffirmed to me how much I love the simple pleasures of life, and how acknowledging those simple pleasures is good for the soul. It happened on the way to English....

There I was, walking across red square to the Miller Market to grab an afternoon coffee. This afternoon coffee is pretty important to me. It may be the only reason I can stay awake in the warm classroom long enough to hear the interesting information being tossed about between the English majors who surround me. So, there I am, standing before the baristas in the Miller Market, and they ask me for my order. Looking up and smiling at them I order my usual - an iced, double tall, non-fat, caramel macciato. I paid for my coffee and waited patiently, knowing that there is a pretty good chance my macciato will be stirred (side note - one of the things I love about the macciato is that it is a 'stir it yourself' beverage - the shots of espresso linger over the milk and you get to stir the espresso into the milk, causing it to swirl together into yummy coffee goodness). The barista finished my drink, called out the name, and placed it on the bar. And there it stood - an UNSTIRRED caramel macciato.

I know this is silly, but my heart skipped a happy beat when I saw the layers in my iced coffee cup. It just made me happy!

So, the moral of this wednesday afternoon story: acknowledge the simple things, because they will make you smile.

Remembering Vancouver

2008-04-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago it was spring break for us WWU students and I was one of many students of the INN who went on a mission trip for the week. My location of choice: Vancouver, B.C. 32 of us piled into two 15 passenger and two mini vans and drove the hour-and-a-half-or-so north, crossed the border (after having our criminal records checked by the Canadian border patrol), and settled as guests to the green carpet classroom floors of Glad Tidings Church. Over the course of the week we spent a lot of time on E. Hastings (one of the main streets that basically is the hub of homelessness, drugs, prostitution, and violence in Vancouver) and worked with four different organizations and met lots of unique, interesting people from all over the world and all walks of life. I'll give you a play by play:

SUNDAY: We went to worship with the members of Glad Tidings. This church is HUGE! Some members of the congregation did a passion play of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. It was different to see the Crucifixion on Easter and not the empty tomb. However, when the worship team, adult choir, kids choir, and blue-haired children's choir director stood up on the stage and started to praise, sing, jump, dance, and bust-a-move in the aisles, I was pretty convinced they all remembered the new life in Christ we celebrate on Easter.

After church we explored V-Town as much as possible. Mostly everything was closed, which made it extremely difficult to find coffee that was Canadian and not Starbucks, but it was still great. We walked for a while, drove a lot, avoided puddles at the bottom of a slide in Stanley Park, watched an amazing sunset over the ocean, gazed upon the Canadian mountain range (which is almost as pretty as our's in Washington), and got tangled in the mess of one-ways and funky intersections.

MONDAY: Canadians do something kinda cool on the Monday following Easter - they take yet another day of holiday. Nothing is open, kids don't have school, people really just hang out with family and friends and sleep off their Easter bunny sugar highs. So, because none of the organizations we were working with throughout the week were "open", we chose to do random acts of kindness for the day. A few of us went to one of the Salvation Army houses and served a couple special Easter meals while the rest of us stayed behind at the church. There we made lots of peanut butter sandwiches and brewed coffee a local roaster donated to us, and colored signs that read "There is Hope in the World" and "Free High 5's". Then we walked down town and loved on people - IT WAS GREAT!

TUESDAY: Our first day of "real work". We drove south for a while and went to A ROCHA, this really cool Christian conservation site where they grow food seasonally and live in community. At the site there were these really fuzzy looking cows that kind of wounded like Andrew when he wakes up in the morning (this made me giggle for a good 10 minutes or so), and lots of chickens and lots of love that goes into each task throughout the day. All the people who live at the A ROCHA site are there because they feel the calling both spiritually, personally, and theologically to live simply in sustainability. It was such an inspiring place. Another thing we noticed about being at A ROCHA was the fact that we could SEE the results of our work at the end of the day, which was not necessarily true for the other tasks we took on as we hopped around Vancouver.

WEDNESDAY: First thing in the morning Andrew, Lindsay, Jesse, Dave Wheeler, and myself went to one of the Salvation Army shelters to lead chapel. Andrew gave a message on meekness (check out the Beatitudes in Matthew 5) and Dave and I led music together. When we opened the floor up for prayer requests, one of the gentlemen who was going through the process of becoming independent and healthy again raised his hand and began to pray. He prayed for the staff of the shelter, for his friends who were brave enough to enter the front doors of the Salvation Army and those who were still wandering from one street corner to the next. He prayed for himself and his recovery process. He prayed for thanksgiving for Jesus. He prayed for us. It was inspiring.

We also spent our first day out at Urban promise on Wednesday. We did a brief training in the morning, walked around the neighborhood taking in the type of environment the kids we would be working with were coming from, and then split off into teams to meet the kids. There are four Urban Promise camps in Vancouver: Camp Joy, Camp Hope, Camp Grace, and Camp Peace. All the camps are hosted by churches and the kids who come to them are from all over the world. Some are foster children, others are from single-parent or low-income homes, others are refuges from Sudan. And they were amazing. Our first encounter with the kids at Camp Joy was on the playground where we played tag and climbed jungle gyms. As we were leaving for the day Corbin looked at me and said "don't you just feel better?" And I did. I needed to be with kids. I think we all needed to be with kids.

THURSDAY: The day started off with a little bit of servant projects at Glad Tidings. We hauled a lot of junk, cleaned out a lot of man-made nests where people were living underneath the church's foundation and in the parking garage, loaded a trailer, and played in snow. It was freezing and our hearts were broken by what we were finding in the nests underneath the church (needles, porn, the smell of booze and urine), but we were in high spirits. We embraced the snow and the work, joking and singing snow songs, ".... walking in a winter wonderland...."

That afternoon it was back to our Urban Promise sites. The kids were once again wonderful and rejuvenating for us. It was in those moments of playing and doing homework with the kids that I think we began to realize why the kids were so good for us. Those kids WERE AND ARE HOPE. They have potential to be greater than the worlds and lives they have been born into. They are smart, funny, unique, charismatic, and good.

Thursday evening was a very special night for me and four others on my team. We had the opportunity to walk the streets of Vancouver with a ministry called Agape. Before we left for the streets we loaded backpacks with candy, gloves, and socks. We did this task in a room with walls covered in pictures of women, each with a name and a birthday on it - there was not one empty spot on the walls. In red coats with backpacks slung over our shoulders, we walked with the people of Agape walk down the streets of Vancouver passing out baggies of candy to prostitutes and praying for and with them as they walk. My heart was overwhelmed as I saw women selling themselves on the corners, stumbling around high on drugs and booze, all the while running towards the red coats yelling, "Hey, candy people! Candy people! Can I have some candy tonight! Do you have a rosary? I lost mine, could you pray for my sons? Could you pray that I'll get the job I interviewed for today so I don't have to pull tricks anymore?" If I could write about each woman we met, I would. If I could tell you about all the faces of brokenness I glanced upon and the eyes I looked into that night, I would. But the truth is I cannot. There are to many; each one unique, special, and BEAUTIFUL. One woman we met asked if she could sing for us, and she sang an old native prayer song for us. Another cried to Gretchen and I, telling us she was afraid and confused. Some of the women were so gentle and gracious, timid and meek. The street corner is no place for them. But, that is where they are, and that is where we went to meet them.

FRIDAY: Our last official day of the trip. We woke up and headed to Urban Promise sites for early release programs and office work. Some of us played games with kids while others painted posters, made lesson plans, planned arts and crafts, and soaked up encouragement from the Urban Promise interns. Later that evening we went to a restaurant on E. Hastings where we shared a final meal together, took Photography 101 from Fred, ate ridiculously hot peppers (OK, maybe that was only Corbin and Joel), drank special iced coffee, and just existed together. The day ended with a 7-Eleven run for Canadian Slurpees and a beautiful rendition of "Hey Jude" on the street corner.

SATURDAY: We woke up, we packed up, we cleaned the church, loaded in the vans, and headed to the border. By 1 o'clock we were back in Bellingham, tired and unsure of what to do with all we had seen and all that we had been blessed to be a part of.

So much more happened over the time we spent in Vancouver. I wish I could tell you about playing cards with a precious little girl at Camp Joy, about the conversation I had with Nicole as we gave her candy with Agape, about the poems a man named Andreas recited for us as he told us about the years he spent living on the corner of E. Hastings, and about climbing a ridiculous playground structure after school with the kids. I wish I could tell you about the looks on the pre-schooler's faces when they saw Megan and I prancing in the snow, about Jacob and I solemnly realizing what happened in the Salvation Army detox-center we were cleaning out, about the homemade chai tea we drank at A ROCHA, about finding random local Vancouver coffee houses, fun shaped pancakes and evening worship together. I wish I could tell you about the conversations I had with my teammates, about listening to the boys make beautiful music with the guitar and piano. And more than anything, I wish I could express to you what it was like to watch our walls come crashing down to reveal a world not of judgement, fear, and darkness, but a world of hope, acceptance, and love.

On tuesday night Jim talked about what it might look like for the Kingdom of God to come. It's coming. I saw it in Vancouver.

Returning to the 'Ham....

2008-03-31T00:41:00.000-07:00

Pretty much everyone has returned to beautiful Bellingham post-spring break. The next few days will be spent reflecting, reconnecting, sharing pictures and stories, cherishing the weeks that were and the future that is together over coffee, walks, long boarding, sitting in the sun shine (if it doesn't keep snowing!), and cuddling on couches. Photos will be uploaded on facebook and people will be tagged. Music mixes that spark memories of singing and dancing will be created and swapped. Special dinners will be made and shared as roommates once again join together to live in tiny communities that can be found in houses and little apartments. Schedules and planners will be updated, text books will be bought, and the excitement (or dread) of the first day of school is approaching. Some will register for commencement while others will draw one quarter closer.

Break is over. Spring has begun. Life is ahead. The events of the last week are beginning to come together in my mind. The past week feels almost impossible to make tangible into words. But, hopefully that will be changed. More on the trip to Vancouver, B.C. to come. Until then, talk to you later, eh.

Spring Break

2008-03-22T01:37:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago my buddy Seth had a great idea - let's pre-funk spring break! So, the two of us went a couple hours south for a few days to see friends, wander around our beloved Seattle, and just hang out together before we jumped into the adventures spring break has given us both. Aside from being together, Seth got to see his brother and I got to spend some quality time with a couple of my friends who I cherish immensely. Now Seth is off to Boston with the Industrial Design crew from WWU, checkin' out firms and schools, exploring a new city in a new place on a new coast line. I am heading north to Vancouver B.C. with the INN for a mission trip full of meeting new people and learning more about what it means to love and serve.

It was a great three days in Seattle with my friend. We wandered, sipped coffee, took in the usual Seattle sites (like Pike Place Market and such), had really great chats and just had fun. Both of us kept mentioning how great it was to just exist for a couple of days - to just be with friends taking the hours as they came to be just as they were. So good - cannot even begin to describe. And there are so many random little thoughts scribbled in the pages of my journal - I hope that I can find the time to take them and write something tangible for you to read. But for now, all I have is this brief remembrance of a great past three days before I curl up in my bed to sleep...

Please pray for our trips! Pray that Seth is safe and has a great time exploring a new place, that his conversations are blessed and the time he gets to spend in Boston is just fantabulous! And please pray for our trip to Vancouver B.C., that we will be a blessing and that we will be blessed as well. Oh, and one more thing - pray for the other INN trips to Haysville, NC, Memphis, TN, and Jamaica, and for those in Bellingham who will also be serving their hearts out. It's time for a week of new adventures - WOO HOO!!!!!

More Good Moments

2008-03-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

Today was, once again, full of goodness.

Finishing finals = goodness.
Selling back text books and only getting $2 = enough goodness for a coffee.
Said coffee = goodness.
An understanding roommate = goodness.
A walk through a bookstore = goodness.
A new camera = goodness.
Finding out everything is going to be fine = goodness / praise the Lord!
Praying with a friend = goodness.
Communion during worship = blessed goodness.
Carrying a butt-load of donated clothes from one place to the next = goodness.
A hug = goodness.
Cheese sticks and strawberry lemonade, surrounded by friends = goodness.
Cuddling in my sleeping bag = goodness.

Gosh life is good. Note to self: remember that more often.

Good Moments Happen - Remember Them

2008-03-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

My friend Jeremy recently wrote a blog about reclaiming joy. He pointed out that so often we let the hard moments in life take over; we let them overwhelm us until we feel like we have nothing left to give and no where to go. Jeremy challenged me to step back and see the joy that I forget. This reminded me of last thanksgiving when my friend Karen gave me a little notebook entitled, "Gratitude". It is supposed to be my thankful notebook; a place for me to write down what I am most thankful for at the end of each day. Somehow I lost consistency in my little thankfulness-reflection-routine. So now, in this moment between being awake and falling asleep, I would like to acknowledge some of my joys of today (in no particular order).....

1) Coffee
2) Jesus moments during worship
3) Late night walk with a friend
4) Cuddling in blankets with roomies on the couch, munching on popcorn, and taking in our latest NetFlix selection.
5) Good music
6) Anticipation of what is to come
7) Good hugs
8) Chatting with my favorite Bellingham family.....

It's been a good day. Full of joy and homework, gray, rainy skies and coffee. I just got home from a walk with one of my most favorite people in the world, and now sleep awaits. New goal: remember to acknowledge the joy.

Good Feeling

2008-03-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

This morning I arrived at school discouraged (which is silly because I was so happy yesterday!). I had no desire to leave the sunshine outside to sit in a concrete building. I had no desire to focus on anything. I just wanted to sit outside and let the apathy that had seeped into my heart as I woke up melt away slowly. Little did I know I would find so much encouragement while I was inside the basement of Miller Hall.

I am in the computer lab inbetween classes, minding my own business working on a project and all of a sudden I am flooded with encouragement. My dad sent me a really affirming e-mail, which God love him, he doesn't do often, my friend Kyle texted me about playing frisbee golf, my favorite Regena Spektor song came on over my iPod, a walk with a friend has been planned for tomorrow afternoon, my friend Laura is letting me borrow her pen (because I once again forgot to bring one to class), and now my favorite 'God moment' song is flowing through my headphones. Suddenly my heart is lighter, my attitude has changed, and I am ready to face the world of winter quarter academics. All this in the last half-hour.

Earlier this week at SHOP (a student leader encouragement/accountability/check-in time thingy at the INN) we talked about apathy and inspiration. My current state finds me coming out of a long couple weeks of apathy, and this morning I found nothing but frustration in myself because I was slipping back into that un-motivated, depressed state (which frustrates me mostly because I cannot find a specific reason good enough to be sad over). But now, all in just a few moments of time, I have been released back into the state of a light heart ready for action. In the words of my friend Seth Tucker "God is moving in me and changing me, and I can see it". Sometimes God moves like crashing ocean waves in our hearts and lives, shaking us into the reality of grace and redemption. Other times He moves like a gentle breeze, subtle but undeniably present. I like that He moves both ways - and I like that I can notice both.

Oh this feeling right now is so good. I like it. Hope you get to feel this way, too.

God Gossip

2008-02-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

My friend Kyle loves to share encouraging stories. He will seek you out for days if he can't find you to tell you about how he has seen and heard God moving. This week he shared a story with me - a story I needed to hear. Just thought I'd share a little of Kyle's God-Gossip with you....

*Wednesday night our friend's Brittany, Brandon, and Brie's mom was in town to visit for a couple days this week. She was looking out the window at Brandon's condo when she noticed a group of three people, a boy in a red coat, a girl in a white coat, and a girl in a blue hoodie, standing underneath the overpass bridge holding hands and praying. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with the desire to be with those people. She described it as this overwhelming sense that the Spirit was with her, urging her to pray with them. So, for the next half hour that is what she did - she prayed with the trio under the bridge. She did not know who they were or if they had a purpose for being under the bridge, but she prayed with them nevertheless. Then the tears came - tears for someone she did not know. And then a name came to her mind: Sarah. Not knowing for sure what Sarah needed she began praying for this girl. As her prayers began to come to an end she looked at the group and prayed for them to end in a hug. The next thing she knew, the trio was linked together through arms wrapped around each other.

Later that night she shared the events of her moving prayerful experience with her daughter and one of her roommates. The roommate was astonished - she was the girl in the white coat. The boy in the red coat was Kyle. And the girl in the blue hoodie was Sarah (me). Brittany's mom had never met any of us before. She did not know that we were passing out hot chocolate and talking with those who are often neglected or forgotten. She did not know that I broke down crying and that I needed something I could not put into words. All she knew was that she heard the calling to pray - and she did.

How cool is that? Kyle came and told me this story and I was floored. My name had been spoken to a woman I had never been blessed to meet. God is moving. God is moving quickly and loudly. And at a point in my life where, for some reason unknown to me, God is showing Himself. And still I sit here - wondering if He's coming to rescue my heart.

HE ALREADY HAS! HE DID A LONG TIME AGO! It feels like I am riding away in the arms of my rescuer and all I can do is look back at where I was and wonder how long I was there and if the feelings that came from that place will ever go away. I am so focused on what was that I am neglecting to feel the protection of my Savior as He holds me.

Look for the crashing movement of God in your life. He is there - if we choose to acknowledge it or not. He is there, and He is moving, and He is strong, and He is good.

A Little Love Holiday Thought

2008-02-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Valentine's Day. Full of candy hearts and date nights and single, heart-broken people who don't know what to do with themselves as the rest of the world celebrates love.

Here's the deal. Love is something that exists every day. Love is something we should acknowledge every day. Love doesn't come around just one day a year. Love is greater than that! If we limit love to February 14th, if we decide that this is the special day of the year when we tell someone that we love them, then we are fools.

Every day is a day to love. Every day is a day to look someone you care about in the eye and tell them that they are worthy of attention, kindness, acceptance, and friendship. Love every day.

Full Head

2008-02-12T00:14:00.000-08:00

My head is full. My head is so full I don't even know how to begin emptying it. I am afraid that if I tip over the bucket of thoughts the mess will be to big to clean up. So, here I sit. Awake. Tired. Wanting to sleep. But alas, nothing comes from the craziness that is my mind.

Life.
Love.
School.
Relationships.
Family.
Adventures.
God.
Salvation.
Redemption.
Reconciliation.
Confession.
Hope.
What ifs.
My room.
My hobbies.
Music.
Journaling.
Quotes.
Birthday pie.
Unfinished business.

Just a little list of the mental jumble. Maybe putting the list out for the world to see will make it a little better. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Sorry this blog is ridiculously lame.

Community - Duh.

2008-01-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

I was reading an article for one of my classes this morning when I ran across this quote from Pascal:

"All the miseries of mankind come from one thing, not knowing how to remain alone." -Pascal

How true is that? The times when we are most depressed, most in pain, when our hearts are the most broken, is when we are alone. The vast majority of us (I'd say approximately 99.999%) cannot handle being alone. Big news, yea? Well guess what; we are not supposed to know how to be alone. We have been created to be in community with one another.

Think about it. God did not create Adam and say, "Hey, you sure do look good and happy all by your lonesome." God did not tell Noah to get on the ark with the animals all by himself. Moses had Aaron to go with him to talk to Pharaoh about letting his people go. Ruth didn't let Naomi wander alone. Jesus wandered the land with a clump of 12 of his best friends. God doesn't even want to be alone - He created us (and on top of that He is the Trinity, the Three in One)! We were not created to be alone. We were created for kinship, for family and friends.

I do think Pascal is one the right track, though. Being alone is not a fun thing to be. One thing I think gets us into this little lonely dilemmas is the fact that we do not see God as our friend who sits beside us. Does that sentence make sense? Many of us trust and know that God is there, that He hears us and sees us, that He lays us on the hearts of others when we need to be remembered and provided for. But many of us don't connect to God the way He desires us to - or the way we desire to connect with Him. God longs for our hearts to be connected to His, just as our hearts connect with our best friends. We long to have that connection, that strong, unchanging, unconditional connection that provides comfort and love, strength and support. How do we get there? I have no idea. Maybe the same way we connect with our neighbor; by taking the time to be together.

The miseries of mankind come from us not knowing how to be by ourselves. Duh.

Don't Worry - it's Just a Process

2008-01-20T13:48:00.000-08:00

So, currently I am processing life, processing roommates, processing school, processing summer decisions that need to be made (which is silly because I think I have it figured out), processing elements of my heart, just processing processing, processing left and right, up and down.

Here is the thing about me processing. I enter emotional hibernation mode. I am not mad or frustrated, sad or upset. I am simply processing. When my expression is blank and my gaze is off in the distance, it does not mean that I need consoling or tips on how to relieve stress. I just need to process. You can't read me like a book, you can't analyze my expression or the words that come out of my mouth. It's just a time to let the thoughts that have been kicked up in the creek that runs through my mind to settle so the waters can be clear again. I just need that time - that moment or two (maybe even three).

So for those of you who care, it's just a process. Don't worry. In a few moments I'll return back to normal. Promise.

Tired

2008-01-19T18:36:00.000-08:00

Oh my. I am tired. I am tired of running around. I am tired of not knowing what to do with myself. I am tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of not knowing what I want. I am tired of feeling like I don't meet expectations. I am tired of not being able to sleep at night.

I am tired. Perhaps a nap is in order.

The Streets of Bellingham

2008-01-14T17:48:00.000-08:00

My friend Kyle has begun to open my eyes to a part of my beautiful Bellingham that is no so beautiful. It is apart of my wonderful little Bellingham that is not so wonderful. It is a part of my Bellingham that is easily ignored, but desperatly needs to be acknowledged. It is a tiny little world in Bellingham that can be discovered on the streets.

It is on the streets I walk down every day sipping my $3 coffee and wearing my $40 rain jacket. On the streets where I wave at friends I see across the sidewalks. The beautiful streets that in the spring and summer are covered with beautiful chalk art, skirts, and adorable Bellingham families wandering around downtown after visiting the farmer's market. On the cute little street corner where people cram into the Little Cheerful cafe to order breakfast and sip cups of coffee and tea. It is on these streets where so many dreamy sunny and rainy day memories are made that I see pain, desitute, heartache, struggle, fear, rejection, sadness, and brokenness. On these same, precious streets I see eyes filled with anger and empty unknown. On the same streets where my friends and I gather from our little homes to play and wander together, I see those who hope every night that they might be able to find a temporary home for the night.

My friend Kyle and I, along with Megan, Zach, Stead, Andrew, Kim, Mike, and a few other people have been going down to the corner of Railroad and Holly street to love on those who are told they are not worthy of love. We take hot chocolate to the corner with us and share a "cup of love" with a group of friends who changes from week to week. Sometimes it's us just hangin' out, people walking by us. Other times we are embrassed by a small group and share cup after cup of hot chocolate and listen to life stories.

Where there is despair on the street corner there is hope. Where there is sadness and struggle underneath the bridges there is acceptance. On the streets of Bellingham worlds collide. This collision is not always comfortable, nor is it always safe. But, amongst the rubble of crashing thoughts, lives, histories, and futures, there is kinship and love.

Oh, the streets of Bellingham.

That Feeling

2007-12-29T01:44:00.001-08:00

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know something is not exactly how you wanted or imagined it would be like? That sinking, twisted, odd, nervous feeling; it confuses you because you do not know if you are feeling that way because what is unfolding before you is wrong (and something you don't want) or if it is something wonderful that you should embrace (whether you know you want it or not). A part of you wants to run, while another wants to stay and see what is about to unfold. It is this tension that you create within yourself, all balled up into one little moment.

I have been feeling that tension, that odd feeling, for over a week. I don't know what to do with it (if there is anything I am supposed to do with it). I can't seem to shake it. It lingers in the pit of my stomach, pulling at my heart. The most frustrating part of it all is not that I can't sleep more than a couple restless hours a night. The most frustrating part is not that I cannot share these thoughts or feelings with anyone in the middle of the night because even the night owls in my life are asleep. It is not so much frustrating that I can't make the feeling change. What is frustrating to me is the fact that I cannot quite put the feeling into words. This awkward, gut wrenching tension that does not exist out of guilt, pity, self loathing, sadness, frustration, anger, or pain. Because let's be honest - life is pretty good right now. I have amazing friends, great roommates, a new job that involves coffee (woo hoo!), brand new books to read, a brand new quarter of school, a new year to fill with memories and adventures of all sorts, and a desire to find the heart of God unlike any desire I have ever felt before. So where is this tension coming from?

That feeling - that awkward, terrible feeling that simply won't leave me alone. What drives it? Why can't I kick it out of my psyche? If anyone has any words of advice, I am more than willing to take them. Maybe it will drive the feeling way for at least one night.

Wrestling with Myself

2007-12-27T00:13:00.001-08:00

Not gonna lie - I'm really wrestling with myself right now. For weeks I haven't been able to sleep. I just lay awake at night, wrestling with the thoughts that fill my mind. Why am I not content? Why am I afraid of letting go of the old and reaching out for the new? Why do I want what I do not need? Why does my heart ache when the night sky falls?

Wrestling with yourself is the worst thing in the world. There is no one to beat or be beaten by. You simply struggle internally, becoming more and more frustrated by the minute because you cannot win and you cannot loose. The fight is constant and consistent, unwavering. You know where to hit yourself below the belt and you know how to block it (or recover quickly from the hit, since you know it's coming at you anyways).

When will peace come? How do we reach that point of accepting reality, looking forward, moving on, and realizing peace within ourselves and the world we surround ourselves with? I long for that peace.....

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T14:36:00.001-08:00

Well, it's officially Christmas Eve. My dad and his wife are in the kitchen getting our early holiday dinner ready (with seven kids + sister's husband in the mix they have kicked everyone out of the kitchen). All the kids (and sister's husband) are awkwardly crammed into the living room trying to figure out how to behave around one another. We're not really family. We're not not family. What do you do? Lucky enough for us we are Americans and we have a large television to stare at. "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" has potentially saved our afternoon as it somehow creates a trivia bondage amongst our cluster.

Last night was spent baking to not end. I made four different types of creations that will play a role in creating a Christmas sugar high for everyone who will later (once again) cram into the living room to open presents. The hustle and bustle is awkward and strange - and it feels a bit like betrayal. It really bothers me how much holidays have become a time of all the traditional joy and celebration and special memories, combined with the feelings of disappointment and harsh actions towards other parts of the family by "choosing" one side over them to spend the holiday with. Never again will there be an easy going day of traditional celebration without hurt feelings. And the hardest part to most of it is the fact that it was not done on purpose. No one ever meant to make others feel like they were betraying or neglecting others. No one ever meant for it to be awkward. Nevertheless, it is what it is.

Perhaps I will have a chance to write later and it will all be better. Maybe the awkward harshness that dances along the line of comfortable harmony with blur. Maybe it's all just a line I am creating all on my own. Maybe it doesn't exist at all.

Either way, it's Christmas Eve.

Torn

2007-12-20T23:53:00.001-08:00

There are moments in life when we find ourselves torn; torn in different directions, in the middle of different decisions that need to be made, in the middle of people and commitments. What do we do when we reach that point? How do we know that the direction we've chosen is the right one? How do we know we went with the stronger side?

The worst part about being torn is the feeling of being lost in that moment of tension. We can loose sight of what we are seeking, or what we used to see. Confusion sets in. We can loose our sense of direction. We can become caught up in our fear.

Tension. It can be good. It can be bad. No matter what happens in the end, we just need to trust ourselves and whatever it is that drives us. The tension is there for a reason. It is there to bring awareness and truth.

Current Status: Recovery

2007-12-19T21:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Friends,

This week marked a first in the life of Sarah Johnson. Tuesday morning I found myself in a hospital gown (one of the awkward ones what flies open in the back when you least expect it), quadrouple checking which knee the doctor was going to fix. The anesthesiologist came in and explained to me how I would have the joy of "sleeping" through the entire procedure. What was about to happen was my first experience of going "under the knife". Well, the arthroscopic knife. I was nervous as heck. This irrational fear of not waking up from the drugs kept filling my head. And the only comfort I could find from that thought was words spoken from my friends Mike and Kyle....

A couple days earlier Mike, Kyle, and I went and played frisbee golf (our typical trio-activity). Afterwards we decided to take on a ridiculously random challenge together. What was the random challenge? We decided to drink an entire gallon of water as quickly as possible - each. So, Kyle and I went to Fred Meyer and purchased three gallons of filtered water. Then the three of us gathered at Telulah (Kyle's house) and sat in the dining room, chugging away at our gallons of water and making funny faces at each other, wondering why we decided to attempt such a feat. In less than 45 minutes, a couple bathroom trips each, and a sad loss of half a gallon through oral projectalization (I may have thrown a good amount of my gallon up towards the end), we all completed our gallons. The Gallon Challenge of December 2007 was complete, and we marked the victory by autographing each other's gallon jugs. Ridiculous. Wonderful. A cherished moment with two of my favorite Bellingham boys.

The reason I tell you this story is not only to brag about my ability to play with the boys (well, sort of - neither of them threw up their gallons), but also to give you a little insight into my random, encouraging friends. Mike and Kyle are two of my Bellingham friends who I pretty much don't hesitate telling my fears, worries, goals, and dreams to. They help me process life. They help me process faith. They are good for my souls.

Kyle and Mike both kept reassuring me that I was going to wake up from the medicine and that my surgery was going to go through with flying colors. They prayed with me and for me, they gave me hugs of encouragement, and they smiled me through my anxious pre-surgery day moments. It was those moments and prayers that reassured my anxious heart. I knew my fears were irrational, but they were still very real. And my boys were good to remind me that it was okay to be afraid, and it was all going to be alright.

And those boys were right on the money. I am sitting at my sister's kitchen table next to her and her husband. My head is a little foggy and a little spinny on vicodin, and my knee is swollen and stiff, but I am awake. I survived! Looking back, it was silly to be worried as much as I was. But, I have friends who let me be silly. They let me worry. They listen to me, they reassure me, they comfort me, they make me laugh. They ease my mind.

Thanks Mike and Kyle! Thanks for being so ridiculously wonderful. Thank you to all of you who took the time to leave me messages, give me "recovery" items, such as magazines and M&Ms, and remind me that you'll be around to make fun of me as I limp around in a groggy state. I cherish each and every single one of you.

Ugly Christmas Sweaters

2007-12-08T10:53:00.001-08:00

It may just be the fact that I'm in college and live in a town named Bellingham where everyone cherishes vintage, "well loved" clothing. It may be because it is something that makes us smile every year no matter how ridiculous it may be. Perhaps we really just have a desire to be ridiculously sparkly. No matter what the reason may be, 'tis the season for ugly Christmas sweaters.

They are everywhere - holiday house parties, Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-INN, strolling across campus, fashionably being displayed in used clothing stores, popping out of boxes from the post office, hanging up in our closets. No matter where you go, the ridiculously gaudy Christmas sweaters have taken over the bulk of holiday festivities.

Red, green, and gold, sparkly with glitter and sequins, some even have lights. Fluffy, knitted, patterns galore, Santa Claus faces and reindeers, stockings and Christmas trees, stars and snowflakes, and snowmen popping out here and there. Christmas is being embraced by the loud, ugly, yet somehow glorious Christmas sweaters our friends (and we ourselves) wear with shoulders back and chests high.

Ugly Christmas sweaters - whoever created the first one was a foolish genius who knew she was doing something spectacular for the world.

Rants Before Homework

2007-12-05T20:50:00.001-08:00

What does it take to be content?

I see people every day, working hard to meet expectations, accomplish goals and tasks, continuing to pulvault over the rising the bar of their ambicious high-jumps in life. Every day we (yes, we) go through life jumping higher and higher, running faster and faster, working harder and harder, bringing ourselves to an emotional exaughstion and burnout. Then we crash and wonder why. We wonder why we are tired, cranky, anxious, annoyed, and left with a feeling of little to no accomplishment.

Why is it that we cannot see that who we are and what we have to give is enough? Why can we not just embrace the fact that there are some things where we are strong, and there are other aspects of life where we are weak? Where we are weak, someone is strong. Where we are strong, someone is weak. We are all in this together, whether we realize it or not. LET'S REALIZE IT! COME ON PEOPLE!

More than anything I guess I want to realize this all myself. I want to be content with who I am, what I have to give, what I have to accept, and what I exist in. I want to be content with this chapter of life. There is no reason to be anything but content. Yet, this is where I sit - at a table in a coffee shop, procrastinating on completing the homework I am lucky enough to have, complaining about not being content.

So what does it take? When will I be?

Over You - my song of the day

2007-11-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

So, I have another song to add to the soundtrack of my life. It's a song of declaration of healing a broken heart. And it may seem a little cheesy, but really, it's me right now. I like it. Just thought I'd share. (mostly with Mandy, because I know you're reading this right now).

Over You
by Chris Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left just left me cold and out of breath
I felt a thousand weights to deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

I never saw it comin’ I should of started running a long, long time ago
And I’m never gonna doubt you I’m better off without you more than you know
I’m slowly getting closer, I guess it’s really over I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces spending all of these years putting my heart back together
The day I never thought I’d get through, I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls, dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away there was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut a lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see that you never were the best for me

I never saw it coming I should of started running a long long time ago
And I’m never gonna doubt you I’m better off without you more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure, I guess it’s really over I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces spending all of these years putting my heart back together
the day I never thought I’d get through, I got over you

*Kinda wish I could sing this song at a concert with someone looking right at me - it feels like if I could just do that, the healing could really be over. The sad part about wanting to do that, is that the person I really want to declare it to probably wouldn't care. At least not as much as me. And I think I need to be okay with that.

Why They Raise Their Hands

2007-11-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

Every tuesday night I wonder why people raise their hands when they worship. Sometimes I stop singing and I just listen to the words being sung. I look out over the group of students humbling themselves before God as they worship. Have you ever done that? It's overwhelming. Really, it is. Sometimes I feel the urge to do the same - but I never do. Sometimes that makes me feel guilty.

This tuesday we were talking about how Jesus must have been frustrated when people just didn't understand Him. We talked about how Jesus must have been annoyed when He would tell people over and over again that He was doing things with a purpose and they just stared back at Him wondering why He was "such a fool". The talk then led to thankfulness. Students wrote down what they were thankful for and put it in a box. Seth and Kim stood up and read a few of them outloud for the whole community to hear. And in that moment, when I was hearing those words of gratitude, I began to realize why people raise their hands in worship.

It's all because they are thankful. They raise their hands because they are grateful for the grace, love, comfort, gifts, blessings, sacrifice, justice, and life that comes from knowing Christ.

I kinda like that.

Long Nights....

2007-11-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

Long nights are the worst thing in the world. Long nights are those nights when you put on you pajamas, kick off your socks, cuddle into your bed, and realize that it is not only the place you want to be because you are exhausted, but it is also the place you suddenly dread. You end up spending the whole night attempting to convince yourself to close your eyes and embrace the darkness. You try to let dreams sweep you up and let rest refresh your tired body. Yet you lay there; you lay there wondering how long it will take for morning to come.

After a while a fear sets in. You may begin to fear that morning will never come. That you will be stuck in this place of uncomfortable, awkward darkness, alone while the rest of the world gets what it needs and you anxiously await a savior to rescue you from this little hell you have created in the night. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Lucky enough for us (when we do have these nights) the night will never last forever. Dawn will break, as will our fear. We are not stuck in darkness forever, just for a time. I wonder if sometimes we are given those long nights for a purpose. Perhaps we are to embrace those long, lonely, dreadful never-ending nights and turn them into something magical.

I Forgot, THen I Remembered

2007-11-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget that I have friends who love me. Sometimes I neglect to look at my faith and acknowledge that it is not merely a feeling, but truth. Sometimes I feel alone when there really is no reason to feel that way. Sometimes I feel so sorry for myself that I forget that there are other people in the world who have less than me. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the fact that I am "unattatched" in a relationship that I forget that I do not need another person to define my worth.

Today I had a moment when I was reminded that all of these feelings are silly and unimportant. Today I remembered that God is great. Today I remembered that God loves me more than I will ever comprehend. Today I was reminded that I am loved, wanted, and accepted beyond my understanding.

I forgot - but today I remembered.

Late Night in the Computer Lab

2007-11-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight I have discovered a new element to WWU's constant energy conservation efforts - sensor lights in the computer lab. It is the night of Halloween and I am sitting here, working on recreation homework and not at the same time. Silently sitting alone in a big, cold, empty communications building on the south end of campus I was reading an academic article when the lights all went out. For a few seconds I sat still, not moving out of fear of something jumping out to get me. However, when I reached for my phone (to call someone to save me through the glory that is text messaging) the lights came back on. I brushed it off, not thinking much of it after that. Then it happened again. Just as scared, I reached for my only hope of a text message when the lights, again, turned back on. The third time the lights went out on me I danced - they came on.

Sitting alone in the lab makes me think of how much I really do like it here. I complain about homework and being stuck in the computer lab researching and writing. I complain about having to much to do and not being able to manage the specific details of my life. Yet, here I am - privilaged to be in one of the most difficult recreation programs in the country, attending the most difficult public university to attend in Washington state. I have professors who know my name and favorite coffee, not just a student number on a computer screen. I have classmates to share inside jokes and the desire to serve. I get to write this silly 2am blog on one of hundreds of fully functioning computers on campus. I drank a coffee tonight that I had the bills in my pocket to purchase. I'm listening to music off of my little iPod shuffle from my dad. I am learning how to be a better recreation professional, citizen to the community, state, and country, and how to be a person who simply lives to live life with others.

That's cool. Remembering all that makes this late night in the computer lab all worth it.

Fall is Good - REALLY Good.

2007-10-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

My mom was here this weekend and while she was here I quickly discovered where my passion for the fall comes from. Every time we drove past a tree (which was about every three feet here in Bellingham) she would "oooo" and "aaahhh" over the colors of the changing leaves and comment on how beautifully golden the sun was. She commented on the crisp wind and worried over my warmth (or lack of). She's such a great mom - she really is.

I convinced my family to go to a pumpkin patch out towards Mt. Baker saturday afternoon. It was GLORIOUS! Pumpkins, scarecrows, apples, corn fields, and farm animals everywhere. With warm cider in hand we wandered throughout the farm, down the gravel road to the pumpkin patch. The pickings were slim (Halloween is only a few days away), but we picked out 80lbs of glorious pumpkin. Three big, round, orange pumpkins (one with a glowing face) now guard our door from the goblins and gouls who will soon be filling the streets of Bellingham in search of a sugar high.

Before falling asleep my mom, sister and I sat on the couch in my living room, creating ghosts out of tootsie roll suckers. We giggled and goofed, watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD and making fun of the candy we were decorating.

It's moments like this weekend that make me grateful for fall. Fall is good simply because it is good. Sure there's Halloween and Thanksgiving in the season (both holidays I love), but really fall is just good because it exists. Sweatshirts and blankets, rain jackets and the desire to hold something warm in your hands when you go to a walk. Warm reds, oranges, yellows, browns, and golds float through the air when the wind blows. Pumpkins, spices, and coziness begins to fill our lives. It's just great. It's great because it simply is. That's all there is to it.

Stewardship, Pumpkin Pie Lattes, and Chit Chats

2007-10-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I had the pleaure of spending a chunk of time with a woman I greatly admire. This woman has the ability to paint some of the most wonderful pictures and analogies in the world to help depict what is going on in life. For example, I once heard her speak about stewardship (quite recently, actually) and she was explaining why stewardship is important. Beyond the fact that Jesus calls us to stewardship (it's as simple as that) there is a perfectly good reason why we should practice it; without stewardship, we are dead.

She explained by using the example of the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea is dead because there is nothing coming in and there is nothing going out. The Dead Sea is, well, stagnent and dead. It gives nothing, it receives nothing. If we give nothing of ourselves, we are full of our own selfishness and dead. If we neglect to receive, we end up empty and dead. There is a happy middle ground of flow between others and ourselves that is vital to have in our lives. It creates this good, healthy, strong balance that helps us to live the life we have been given.

This afternoon, this wonderful woman and I had coffee at a little place called Cafe Adagio. Walking into the warm, cozy coffee shop, it's floor covered with beautiful little yellow leaves that had blown in the doors throughout the day and leaving the cold, gray, rainy day behind us, we ordered pumpkin pie lattes. GLORIOUS! Better than any pumpkin beverage I've had in my entire life. We sat at a table on tall chairs, staring out the window at the gray sky, sipping our pumpkin/coffee goodness, and talking about what it means to move on, out of the darkness and into the light. We talked about what it means to take on the challenge of growing and accepting, the challenge of living life without regret or fear. I am jeaous of my friend's strength and desire to do just that. I want to, I really do; but am I ready?

I don't know if I am. But I know that my little chit chat over a couple of pumpkin pie lattes with my friend was good for my little heart.

Life is Hard. But...

2007-10-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Life is hard. It always will be. That's just the way it is. Someone will always be heart broken. Someone will always be sick. Somone will always be hurt. Someone will always be dying. Someone will always feel betrayed and cheated. Someone will always be sad. Someone will always feel alone. Someone will always be crying. Someone will always feel lost. Somone will always feel let down or guilty. Someone will always feel used and confused. More often than we like that someone will always be us. But.......

The "but" in all of this is that there is hope. For some ridiculous reason amongst the hopelessness there is strength, comfort, and perseverance. I don't know why. But it's there. And it's going to be hard to remember it's there. But if we forget, we loose the fight. Loosing the fight isn't an option because the battle has already been won. Therefore....

Life will always be hopeful. Someone will always be rejoicing. Someone will always feel love. Someone will always feel the support of a friend and guiding hand. Someone will always be showing kindness. Someone will always believe and trust. Someone will always be grateful. Someone will always be cherished. Someone will keep us going.